Lost Love Found
by Elizabeth Perry
Summary: Addek. AU, sorta. Taken during the middle of next episode. Based on promo. I started from there.
1. Chapter 1

Characters: Addison centric. Derek and Meredith. This will be an Addek pairing but it won't be for a long time.It's told in Addison's POV.

Summary: Warning Possible Spoilers….But nothing has been confirmed. There is supposed to be a Ferry accident that will rock Seattle Grace. In my story especially Derek, Addison and Meredith

* * *

Meredith Grey is dead. And just like that my life changed. I had been at the hospital all night helping victims of the ferryboat accident when Richard called me into his office. I scowl when I see his 911 page because I was in the middle of helping a patient, but until they find a replacement for you, you are the Chief of Surgery and my immediate boss so I can't ignore your call. I came stalking in the room and halt my first instinct to ask what was so important when I see you swiping away tears from your eyes. 

"Richard, what is it?"

I look into your eyes and know, I don't know what I know but I know something has changed. That my life will be irrevocably rocked by the words that you are about to utter. I steel myself against the edge of the chair in your office and stare you in the face and prepare myself.

"What happened, Richard?"

You look into my eyes full of grief, longing and there's something else there…Hope. I don't understand why you have hope in your eyes but it's there.

"Addi, I just got a call from the officers over at the Ferryboat explosion. It's about Derek."

The room has started to spin. While its true that you and I haven't spoken over ten words in the last couple of months you were still an important part of my life, a life that was over now but would forever be embedded in my memories.

"Derek isn't…."

Richard must've realized how his words sounded because he sprinted over to me and put a steadying hand on my shoulder, "Oh God, I'm sorry Addison. No, it's not Derek. Derek is at the Ferryboat site but he's not hurt."

I exhale the breath I didn't know I had been holding and slide myself into the chair and stare at Richard through slitted eyes, "You could've started with that. What's Derek doing at the site when we need all the surgeons we can get here?"

Richard sat in the chair next to me and said, "Derek is there because no one can get him to leave.

Addison, Meredith Grey is dead. She was a victim of the accident and Derek won't leave her corpse. They called me because he won't move."

I let out a sound, I don't know if its shock or a sound of sympathy but I look up. "Derek, is there?" I know what you said to me and my heart knows what you've said but I can't process what it truly means.

" Addison, I need you to go down there and get him. If anyone can get through to him, its you." I shake my head in disbelief, if anyone can get through to Derek, its Meredith. But, Meredith is dead and once again Derek is alone.

I stand up on wobbly feet and nod once and say, "I'll go get Derek. Thanks for letting me know Richard, how are you?"

Richard smiles softly at me and said, "I'm dealing. I just can't believe that a life has been snuffed out so young. She has been so happy lately."

I nod but don't respond. She had been so happy with my husband. My ex-husband who I still loved.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When I step on the dock, I see you immediately. It's hard not to notice the man that is standing in the middle of all the commotion wooden in shock and disbelief. I had to prepare myself before I left my car. I had to give myself a pep-talk. This was not a time for me to worry about how I felt. This was not a time for me to worry about how this would affect me in the long run. My priority, my priority is you.

I nod to the officers as I come up behind you silently. You notice my presence because you stiffen when I place hand on your shoulder.

"Derek."

You look at me and I notice the grief that is resident in your eyes and I turn myself in front of you and said, "Derek, let's go home."

He looks up at me through blank eyes, "Home?"

He motions to the body bag that he's had his hand hovering over for the past fifteen minutes and I don't know how to bring you back to reality.

I nod and said, "Let's go home so you can get some sleep. We'll get you something to eat and then you can go to bed."

He looks up at me and I finally realize that I've been crying. The water had been rolling out of my eyes since I walked up to him and I hadn't even realized that I was now openly sobbing. He blinks and speaks softly, "I'm not leaving here. She needs me."

I know you are too wrapped up in your grief to be able to process the surroundings around you so I realize that it is up to me to help you.

I hesitantly place my hand on the body bag next to yours and I feel your eyes on me. Meredith had been a rival for your affections in life, but in death, in death she deserved the utmost respect that I refused to deny her. "Meredith, I'll take care of him now."

That seems to be enough because your hand falls away from the bag and you shiver even though today wasn't a cold day. I bundle you up in my arms and move you towards the car.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

At first, I had decided to take you back to my hotel but then I thought better of it. I didn't know if anyone would be trying to reach you and I knew that the last place that they would look is at my hotel. So I settled on going back to the trailer. During the drive, I had kept up a nonsensical conversation with you, about the weather, sports, everything that came to my mind. You never responded to me, only acknowledging my ramblings with a jerky nod of your head or one syllable answers. I knew that, it was the only thing that I was likely to get out of you for the moment. And for the moment that was enough.

As I pull into the driveway at the trailer in your house, I immediately notice something. I notice that you haven't been living here lately. There are weeds that are almost at the door of the trailer in addition to the rust that is currently growing on all your lawn furniture.

I reach for your keys as I help you out of the car and enter the trailer. I'm glad that the inside appears to be tidier than the outside. I push you inside and exhale a breath once that's completed. I maneuver you to the chair at the kitchen table and place you down.

I know that you are still in shock and I am respectful of that. I busy myself making you a cup of coffee and searching your cabinets and refrigerator for sustenance. I resign myself that the most you will get besides your cup of coffee is a piece of toast and some eggs.

After fixing the food, I notice that you have kept your eyes on my movements thoroughly. I turn to you and feel self-conscious all of a sudden, "What?"

You shake your head at me and say, "Nothing, just thanks. Thank you Addison.'

And that's enough for me. You acknowledge that it's not easy for me to help you after everything that's transpired between us but here I am ready and willing to help you through this latest crisis. I'm hesitant to ask you anymore questions as I sit down in front of you and push the plate of eggs, the toast and the coffee in front of you and demand you eat.

You smile at me sadly and start to consume the food and halfway through you break down. The sobs that wrack your body shoot straight to my heart. I stand up and cradle you in my arms as the sobs overcome you and you slide onto the floor.

"I loved her." I rock him back and forth slowly and refuse to flinch even though his words cut me to the heart. I stroke his hair, and speak into his ear softly, "I know Derek. I know she loved you too."

Derek laid his head on my chest as the sobs slowly subside and he falls asleep. I exhale slowly through my teeth and prepare myself; I wasn't going to be going anywhere anytime soon.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I had moved you into the bedroom and had covered you up even though the tears still leaked from your eyelids in sleep. I went to the kitchen and pulled out my cell phone and was glad when Miranda picked up on the first ring.

"This better be good, Montgomery. We need you and Shepherd down here, its chaos."

I nod as I hear the gruff tone in her voice so I break the news to her gently, "Miranda, Meredith was one of the victims of the ferryboat."

I know I have shocked the Nazi into silence when I hear a sob on the other end of the line. She quickly strives to cover her voice and say, "How is he?"

I close my eyes as the tears start to fall again, "He's devastated Miranda. I don't know I ever see him that bad. I had to go to the ferryboat and…" My voice falls as I relive the look in your eyes, the look of defeat and total despair that had been your personality since I first encountered you.

Miranda clears her throat, "What do you need?"

I turn around and say, "I can't leave him here alone. I need to get a change of clothes and some food for his refrigerator. It's obvious they were spending all of their time together because his trailer doesn't look like its been lived in."

Miranda nods, "I'll send someone over… How are you Addison?"

I falter when I realize she has addressed this question to me. To me? I'm working on autopilot, what else is there. "I'm fine Miranda; the one we need to worry about is Derek."

Miranda hangs up and I go back to my vigil, watching you sleep and grieve at the same time.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It is night when you next awaken and I'm apprehensive of the state that I will encounter you in. I know that the reality of your situation must've hit you in your sleep because the grief has now been replaced by anger. Anger at everything and everyone.

"What are you still doing here?"

I refuse to flinch at your tone because I know that you are trying to run me off and I speak in the same brisk tone that you greeted me with, "I'm here to make sure you don't do something stupid. Sit."

He glares at me and I glare right back. Did he forget? I'm a redhead, fighting is in encoded in our DNA. I'm ready for the next caustic remark which you don't give only sit down and I triumph over my win.

He looks around the kitchen in disbelief. "What happened?"

I smirk as I set out his dinner in front of him, "It's clean. I know that's a new concept for you but I promise you will get used to it once it sinks in."

You smirk at me as I sit down and watch you slowly consume the food; I've laid out in front of you. I don't know how to approach this so I speak slowly, "I'm sorry Derek."

He pauses at looks up at me and I met his gaze without blinking. I wanted him to believe in the sincerity of my words. I was truly sorry. It wasn't fair that a life would be snuffed out before they even had a chance to live.

He nods and goes back to his food, "You can go home now Addison. I can do this alone."

I flinch and nod and stand up. You don't want me here it was to be expected. You had been a master out of keeping me out of your heart and your life and once again I was privy to that fact. I reach for my purse when I hear him curse from behind me.

" Addison."

I turn around and close my eyes and will my mind and heart to still the tears that were threatening to roll down my cheeks. He leans forward, "I don't know how to do this Addison. I don't know how to accept your help while I'm dealing with this. I'm a jerk but I want you to know that I appreciate every thing that you've done for me. Everything."

I nod and pull you into a hug. It was a hug full of comfort. I pull back and lean to kiss on your cheek but I miss and it hits your lips. I pull back in shock and immediately scramble to apologize. This is not what I had intended by comfort but a light flares in your eyes.

I stand back even as you are pulling me closer to you. I shake my head, "No Derek. You are grieving and I'm…I'm." I'm not strong enough to fight you, or the pull that still exists between us. When you latch your lips on to mine I drop my purse and wrap my arms around your neck.

I know that you don't want me, I know that I'm a substitute and a poor one at that but you needed me and for now that was enough.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

As my breathing returns back to normal, I realize what I've done. I've allowed you back inside and you now have a chance to break me again. But not, if I cut you off. I open my eyes and turn to you and watch as you doze peacefully too exhausted to doing anything but sleep. We had made love, three times each time more urgent than the first. It was like we were renewing the fact that we were alive and allowed to still love. I knew that I wasn't what you wanted but my heart didn't know that. My heart still knew that you were Derek.

I slid out of bed and exhale deeply as I start to pull on my clothes. I sit at the kitchen table and curse to myself. It shouldn't have happened but it did and now that it did, I was powerless to deny that I still wanted you. That I still loved you.

The phone rang shocking me out of my stupor. I answer the phone softly and am shocked to hear Richard's happy voice, " Addison. Where's Derek?"

I lean against the counter and said, "I just got him to sleep, what's up Richard? Do you need something?"

Richard laughs in my ear and I pull the phone away from my ear and stare at the handset in disbelief, "Are you laughing? What's going on?"

Richard's voice filtered through my ear as he uttered, "Meredith was just admitted to Mercy West. It was a case of mistaken identity. Let Derek know, I'm heading over there now."

He hung up the phone and I stared at the headset in disbelief. She was alive, and Derek and I had just slept together. How ironic was that.

I walk into the room frozen in disbelief as I shake you awake. You open one eye and glare at me in disgust, "What?"

I know that he doesn't want to reflect on what he had just done so I speak quickly and forcefully, "Get dressed. I'm driving you to Mercy West."

He glares at me as he sits up and reaches for his pants, "What for?"

I walk to the door, not wanting to see him get dressed even if we had just been intimate. "It's Meredith .She's alive."

* * *

Please let me know whether I should continue or not, the idea has been knocking around in my brain and  
I'm curious to hear thoughts on the idea. 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Can I just tell you how cool it is that everyone really wanted Meredith to stay dead, I thought I was the only  
one! I was tempted to keep her dead, but then I thought it couldn't be called Grey's Anatomy. Also, the replies  
were out of this world, I'll keeping adding chapters but don't be prepared to even like Derek for about seven  
more chapters because he's still McBastard in my book. Also, I'm thinking of writing this story completely in  
Addison's POV unless I feel the need to write Derek but with as wishy-washy as he is I don't want to try to get  
into his head, let me know your thoughts. This one is kind of short... Thanks again!

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Two Weeks Later 

I needed to be on television, I had become a master at evading you. I know when you are coming and I sped up and hide. You want to discuss our sleeping together, and I want to discuss nothing with you. From the moment that you entered into her hospital room and saw her alive all you could do was cry. You didn't speak to me you just soaked her presence in and did your best to ignore mine.

I left shortly after I dropped you off and met Richard in the parking lot. He looked at me and pulled me into his arms. I allowed myself the comfort of my surrogate father momentarily and pulled away and smiled, "It worked out Richard. Everything worked out."

He put his arm around my shoulder and said, "Why do I feel like you are not including yourself in that equation?"

I shrug and pull back and say, "I'm beat. Thanks for letting me know. I'll be at home."

He nods and leans over and kisses me on the cheek and says, "Get some rest. You can come in later tomorrow."

I'm jolted out of my reality at the sound of someone clearing their throat. I turn around and am faced with Meredith Grey. "Dr. Montgomery, I just wanted to say thank you."

I refuse to flinch at her gratitude but I must admit I am curious, "What are you thanking me for?"

Meredith motioned behind her and said, "I know that when Derek thought I was dead he was distraught. He told me that you helped him through the hours afterwards until he found out I was alive. I wanted to say thank you."

I'm tempted to scream but I refuse to say anything. I raise an eyebrow and nod in acknowledgment and walk away. I barely make it to the bathroom before the tears overcome my eyes and I'm overwhelmed in my own grief.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"What's wrong with you Montgomery?" I look up from my salad at the stern greeting from Miranda as she sat down in front of me and plops her lunch down in front of me, "You've been walking around here like the living dead ever since Grey was found alive."

I lean back and met her eyes with a look of devastation that I can't hide, not from her. "Derek and I had sex that night. In my mind, I tried to justify it and say we made love but he just used me, I knew that he was using me. I knew that I was a substitute but I've spent my life with this man and whatever he wanted I couldn't deny him. We had sex and then he gets a call that says that Meredith is alive and once again I'm on the backburner. I'm in a hold position for the second time in my life, waiting on something magical to happen. I can't keep doing this Miranda; I may have to leave Seattle."

You look at me sympathetically and say, "How could you be so stupid? You knew that he was just using you and you just…"

I felt the tears well in my eyes and the realization that you were saying that you knew how wrong I was. I guess you took pity on me because you slid your hand across the table at me and said, "Don't worry Addison. You will get through this, you are Addison Forbes Montgomery damn it."

I smile at your encouragement, if only I felt so assured.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

" Addison?"

I turn around at the sound of your voice. You had finally caught me; it was ironic that it had been on the way to my car the one area that I hadn't planned an escape route. I turn around and meet your eyes which are full of compassion.

I scowl and turn back to my car and open my backdoor ignoring your presence as I methodically place all of my items in the car and lean against my driver side door and wait for you to disappear. I don't believe in magic but I also don't believe it paying attention to people who still have the power to break you.

I decide to open this conversation, "How's Meredith?"

He clears his throat as he waits for me to turn around and meet his eyes. I turn around and I see the pity that's laced in them mixed in with regret, "Don't Derek, just don't."

He tries to reach for me but I flinch back, "Derek, let's not okay. You made a mistake, one that I'm sure she will forgive you for, that is if you tell her. You were distraught, you thought she was dead."

Derek reaches for my face and before I have a chance to pull away you cradle my cheek in your palm, " Addison, I didn't mean to hurt you. There are no words…"

I grab your hand and remove it from my face, "All I can say is that you needed me and I was there. I'm always going to be there. Divorce, affairs, loss of friendships won't change that. I know that what happened is a regret that you have to live with and I have to live with the fact that I don't regret a moment of our time together."

You stare at me in shock and I know that I have left you baffled, "It shocks you to know that I'm not upset over making love with you? I know for you the fact that you used my body was just for sex, just to slack off this grief that you found yourself in but I made love to my husband. The husband, that I never stopped loving. Even after all this time, even after Mark and watching how you break my heart time and time again, I will never regret that."

I open my car door and turn back to look at you and smile at the look on your face, "It would seem that I have no shame where you are concerned. Sad isn't it, to realize that you've been living in your fantasy world while I've only just been existing in my reality. Don't worry Derek; I'm not going to demand that you leave Meredith or that you even tell her. I just need you to leave me alone, and I'm not talking about talking to me in the halls, I need you to pretend that I've moved back to New York. Because as far as I'm concerned you have to disappear. I won't be able to survive otherwise, that's all I'm asking of you."

You look like you're about to cry and I chide myself for the desire to comfort you and I slide inside my car and drive away refusing to look at your face as it disappears in my mirror.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Two Weeks Later

I stare at the pregnancy test in disbelief. My hand immediately falls to my stomach to cradle the new life growing within. Derek has kept his word, he avoided me at every turn and even though I was grateful that he had stuck to the terms of our agreement, I found myself looking for him at staff meetings or walking down a hall hoping to catch a glance of his face.

I had almost made myself sick with the realization that you didn't find it difficult to walk away from me when I realized that I really was sick. I was sick, my breasts were tender, and I craved Dill pickles…I craved Dill pickles, and my breasts were sore.

I had fallen against the counter after leaving one of my patients in disbelief. We had created a child, a life that was now residing inside of my body. The child would be dependent on me for everything for its life and for sustenance. It was like my brain kicked into another gear, I could no longer be selfish with my heart. Forasmuch as I still loved you, I refused to wallow in grief if there was even a glimmer of a chance that I was pregnant.

I ran through the rest of my day on a cloud, even Mark smirking at me when he said that Meredith and Derek had announced their engagement touched my happiness. Meredith could have Derek, as long as I had you. I was already speaking to you like you were a person before I even had confirmation that you existed.

I would do this alone. I was Addison Forbes Montgomery after all; I was used to being alone.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Why didn't anyone warn me that being pregnant with your ex-husband's child while he was walking around the hospital with his happy fiancée didn't help morning sickness? I had done my best act of happy ex-wife, if there was such an act. I tried to fade into the walls and make my presence invisible and had been doing a good job until I was shoved into Richard's office by three of my closest friends.

Richard, Callie and Miranda shoved me into the chair and stared me down as they started firing questions off at me.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Are you sick?"  
"Did McStupid say something?"  
"Why don't you smile anymore?"

I feel the tears well in my eyes at the look of concern on all of my friends face and I dissolve in tears. Callie pulls me into her arms as the sobs shake my shoulders and I reach for a tissue, "I'm pregnant."

Richard looked at Miranda who smirked and Callie's arms tightened around my shoulders. Miranda spoke first, "You have to tell Derek."

I meet her eyes with defiant ones of my own, "I wasn't going to keep it from him. I just wanted a moment to absorb the fact that I was pregnant and alone. I'm not used to being alone and not with a child on the way." I finish my statement with a flourish as I rest my hand on my stomach to show how serious I am.

Richard leaned against the door, "When did you…?" He lets the rest of the statement drop and I know he's referring to when Derek and I had been intimate again.

Miranda answers for me, "After he thought Meredith was dead, she was helping put him back together and she put him back together in more ways than one."

I feel the blush suffuse my cheeks at her words but I can't deny that they are true. Richard takes my hand and as I stare into his chocolate eyes I falter in my thought process, "What if he doesn't want her?"

Richard squeezed my hand, "He doesn't have a choice. I will kick his ass if he says anything to make you cry."

Miranda nodded and said, "After the Chief is done with him, Callie and I are next." I nod as I look at all of their faces who are so sure of their actions that I can't deny them anything.

I nod once and said, "Okay, I'll tell him."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Can I speak to you Dr. Shepherd?"

I watch as Derek flinches at the sound of my voice. He turns around and smiles at me softly and to the rest of the world, it's not obvious the tension in his shoulders.

I realize with a jolt, that he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence. The pain gripped me suddenly and I realize I was close to tears. He didn't want to talk to me.

He must've noticed that I could still read his face because I was confronted with his hand on my shoulder as he gently led me into an empty room.

He flipped on the lights and turned to me apologetically, "I'm sorry about that Addison. I don't know why I did that. I guess every time I look at you, it's a reminder of what I did when I thought Meredith was dead and it makes me hate myself. But you don't deserve that from me, not after everything."

I try to muster up a smile at his word but I'm left cold inside, he doesn't want me, he wouldn't want my child. I turn around and reach for the door when he speaks my name from behind me. I turn around and met his face with a blank expression of my own, " Addison, what did you need?"

I grimace as I fake a smile and say, "I just wanted to wish you congratulations on your engagement." I open the door and make it to the locker-room before I collapse in tears.

* * *

I know people might say how cliche, of course she's pregnant but darn it, I'm ticked that we missed our shot at FHB's and  
every chance I get, I write one in this story, I hope it still keeps you interested. Thoughts Please:)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thoughts, please:)

This chapter is kinda short, but only because I got tired of writing Jerk Derek so I went back and re-wrote some  
of the jerkier chapters on his part. He will still be a jerk but just not as much.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

I had made an internal decision I was going to have this child on my own. The only way I could do that was to leave Seattle. I couldn't talk to Richard, Callie, Mark or Miranda. All would try to stop me from my goal of freedom. He didn't want me, so he couldn't want our child. I saw him stealing glances at me when I was pretending not to look but I remained oblivious. I wasn't putting myself out there again. I wouldn't be hurt by him again, once was enough and I was no dummy.

After receiving a clean bill of health from my obstetrician at a doctor's office I found on the other side of town, away from the prying eyes of people at Seattle Grace, I walked into Richard's office with my back ramrod straight.

"Richard, we need to talk."

Richard scowled as he looked up at me, "If you're here to talk about the Chief of Surgery position…"

I look at him in confusion, "Chief of…," I break off when I realize that he thought that the position would be the only thing running through my mind at the time. In actuality, all thoughts of that place and the position had left me almost immediately after I learned of my condition. My whole being had focused on being a parent to my child.

I shake my head as I sit down gingerly, I did everything today slowly. I was wary of hurting my child so I took extra steps to ensure that my usual clumsiness didn't stop me from carrying my child to term. "Richard, I need to leave Seattle."

Richard leaned back in his chair and met my statement with a glare, "Addi, you have a contract. Now if you aren't able to work with Sloan, I'll make sure he stays…"

I cut him off and look at him, "Why are you denying the real reason I want to leave? I have to go, Derek doesn't want me. He doesn't want my child and I don't want to hurt anymore. He's happy Richard. He's making this life for himself, a life that doesn't include me, a life that won't include me or my child. I won't subject my child to a father who resents his very existence because it meant that he was unfaithful to his girlfriend. I deserve better and damn it, so does my child."

Richard stands up and walks over in front of my chair as he leans on the edge of his desk and crosses his arms. He stares at me with a look of scrutiny on his face and I feel like a child who is about to be reprimanded by their teacher, "Addison, Derek may be a jerk, but he has good qualities too. He had to; otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him. You have to give him a chance, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to this child if you keep them from each other. Your child could grow up to resent you and that would kill you….Tell him, and then if you want to leave Seattle, I'll see what I can do."

I nod as the truth of his words wash over me and I realize that I've been selfish. I've been using a lot of I's in this whole scenario but if I ever allowed my child to grow to resent me it would kill me. I nod once as I stand up, "I can't tell him Richard. I'll write him a letter and I'll trust you to deliver it."

Richard rolled his eyes as he placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "What are you in high school? If that makes you feel better about this situation, then yes I will deliver your letter to Derek. Take the day off and write the letter, I'll come by your place and pick it up and then tomorrow you can wait at home for Derek to come see you, because I do believe that he will come see you."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

How do you tell your ex-husband, the love of your life that the bond that he thought broken between the two of you still existed? How do you tell him that he would never be rid of you no matter how much he tried, no matter how much he wished? I didn't know how to write such a letter so I stared at the blank page for hours wondering how to write all my feelings, I settled for the truth. And after throwing away ten rough draft copies, I finally found the words…

_Derek, _

_I know this may come as a shock to you but I'm afraid to face you. Not, that I don't have the courage to admit what transpired between us but I'm afraid of your reaction. I know that your heart belongs to Meredith and I would never try to take you from her but I can't continue to keep this secret from you, it's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. Our night together had repercussions. I'm pregnant. Six weeks pregnant with your child. It was a shock to realize that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I try to turn the page in the book of our lives, we always seem to wind up entwined. I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not even asking for financial support as I'm sure that you know that I can provide for myself and this child alone. I wanted the peace of mind that comes with knowing that I have completed my mission in telling you the truth. I will have no reason to be ashamed when I look my child in the eye when they ask for their father. _

It took me time to come to the realization, that I couldn't keep this from you, no matter how much you hurt me. So, I'm letting you make the decision. What do you want to do? I have taken a leave of absence from work. I'm entrusting this letter to Richard as he is aware of the situation as well as my surrogate father and the future grandfather of our child.

_Awaiting your response, _

_Addison_

As I penned my name to the letter I felt the weight leave my shoulders. Whether it had been hormones or my own wounded ego, I knew deep down I wasn't one of those women who kept children from their fathers no matter how I had been treated. I was better than that and I needed to start acting like it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When the knock came on my door, I wasn't prepared. I had told Richard earlier that day my decision.

_Flashback _

"Richard, I appreciate the gesture, but I want to hand this letter to Derek in person."

I hear the sigh over the end of the line and I know that Richard is wondering whether I had chickened out about telling Derek the truth, "I'm going to tell him Richard. I have the letter written and I can read it to you but I need you to trust that I'm going to tell him. Maybe it was hormones or fear, but I'm decided to tell him on my own. I'll drop it off in the morning and then check on some of my patients and then come home."

Richard cleared his throat and spoke softly, "I love you Addison. You are the daughter that Adele and I always wanted. You are smart, beautiful and have a wonderful heart. This child is lucky to have you for its mother and when Derek gets his act together, this child will have the best of both worlds."

I feel the tears fall down my cheeks as I hear the words full of affection he is bestowing upon me, "I love you too Richard and thank you. Thank you for not judging, thank you for not denying me affection in the light of all the errors, I've made. I've found acceptance by your side that I have never found anywhere else. I love you."

I hung up the phone before I start sobbing openly on the phone. Richard was the father who would back me up when I thought that I was failing at my life.

I would be strong with the people who care about me by my side.

End of Flashback

I had walked into the hospital this morning determined, today was the day and without fail I was going to hand him the paper. The piece of paper that would change the direction of my life from here on out.

_Flashback _

_"Dr. Shepherd, I need a moment." The strength of my tone must've alerted Derek that something was up because he stopped what he was doing and turned to me. I refuse to smile at the one he sent me because what I would say in the letter would wipe that smile away. _

"What's going on Addi?"

I look at my hands before I exhale a deep breath and reach into my purse. I hold onto the simple letter for a moment allowing the last of my secrets to fall away from me as I press the letter into his palm.

_He closes his hand around the note and then meets my eye with one of confusion, "What's this Addison?" _

_I don't feel safe to speak so I wait a moment before uttering, "Read this letter and then you will know. Then there will be no secrets between us and whatever your decision maybe, I will respect it." _

_I step back and watch as he gazes at me in confusion. He wants to open the letter but he's hesitant and I can't blame him, the contents of that letter would blow his whole world apart. _

End of Flashback

I open the door and look at you resting against my doorjamb, your hair mussed up and the tears dried up in your eyes. I step back and let you enter. What could possibly happen now?

* * *

Thanks for reading and replying, EP! 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Yea, so since I'm not really watching Grey's anymore, I can write more to  
my latest story in peace and quiet. Hey I said I would have more time didn't I?

* * *

**Chapter 4**

I close the door behind you and lean against it. I don't want to enter the living room because I knew you were going to say to me that we needed to talk. Do you think I don't know that? That I'm actually running from the fact?

I exhale softly and ask, "Would you like something to drink?"

He nodded, "What do you have?"

I motion towards the wet bar which was probably gathering dust by now. I had given up alcohol when I found out I was pregnant which wasn't really a hardship considering I wasn't someone who drank a lot, I was more of a social drinker.

He shrugged, "Gin and Tonic?"

I nod and busy myself with making your drink so I can watch you. It was actually the reason I had offered in the first place, I was curious to see what frame of mind you had come in. So far you hadn't sent any accusations my way or spiteful words and I could only pray that it would continue that way.

I hand you your drink then sit across from you and stare, "Derek, why are you here?"

Derek sipped his drink and said, "I think your letter pretty much explained everything. You're pregnant, I'm the father. I don't think it gets much simpler than that."

I shrug at your nonchalant view of the situation and say, "Simple? So does simple include you wanting this child?"

Derek scowled as he sipped the rest of his drink and placed the empty glass down on the counter and said, "I want any children I have no matter what I feel about the mother."

I feel a jolt of pain as it was obvious, what he had been about to say but didn't. No matter what he didn't feel for the mother, my love wasn't enough. I should know that by know but somehow I deluded myself into believing that the child would change things. It would make him see me as I once was his companion, his best friend, his lover and then the mother of his child.

I nod and say, "I'll let you know the next time I have a doctor's appointment and you can attend with me if you like."

He smiled at me and I feel a flush come over my face, "What?"

He shrugged as he leaned against the chair and said, "You, you are so comfortable with the fact that you're pregnant with my child and that I'm not with you. I expected a temper tantrum, I expected….To be honest, I don't know what I expected."

I nod slightly, he didn't know me. Maybe he had never known me, if he had, he wouldn't have expected me to be anything less than nice about whatever role he wanted to play in his child's life.

I clear my throat and say, "I'll have my lawyer draw up some joint custody papers once the child is born and you won't have a problem with visitation."

He glares at me and said, "You have this all planned out don't you?"

I chuckle to myself. Yes, I had planned Meredith being presumed dead, I had planned me being the one sent to take you away from the supposed body of your love; I'm the one who had to take you to your trailer and take care of you. I had engineered that you pulled me into your arms and had sex with me time and time again. "What do you want me to say Derek? That I haven't been concerned about the welfare of my child? Well, I have been. I want to ensure that my child is taken care of."

I watch as you lean back in your chair disgusted, I don't know whether it's with yourself or me. You speak and then I have the answer to my question, "I'm sorry Addison. I'm just upset because I wasn't strong enough to confess to Meredith when it happened that we slept together. She would've understood but I waited too long and when I finally confessed it to her after I read the letter, she threw my ring back in my face and told me to get out."

I long to comfort him, but my self-preservation and my pride is too wounded so I sit back and place my hands in my lap, "She'll come around. I can talk to her if you want, I know how devastated you were and no one can fake that emotion, she'll understand that you thought you had lost your reason for living."

He looks at me in surprise and said, "I actually believe you would do that you know. I believe you would go to her and try to convince her but what I realized after I proposed is that if I lost her, my life wouldn't be over. I was so afraid when I thought she was dead that I would never get a chance to make up for all of the time that we had spent apart so I rushed out and bought an engagement ring, a ring to signify to her that I was in it for the long run. She said yes, and all the right words were there, all the right emotions but something was missing."

I close my eyes, and try to shut out the sound of his voice. The last thing I wanted to hear was the sordid details of your love life with the woman who obviously the love of your life. That hurt too much because in my stupid heart I still imagined you as the love of my life.

I clear my throat and reiterate again, "I'm sure that everything between you and Meredith will work out. Now Derek, if there isn't anything else."

Derek looks around my apartment and for the first time I see him nodding in agreement. When I found out I was pregnant, I bought an apartment. It was the realization that I wasn't alone anymore that made me realize that I needed to have roots in Seattle if this is where my child was going to be raised. He turned around and said, "This place is you. It fits you, I like it."

I smile and say, "It was one of the first places I toured when I was looking for somewhere to stay. I fell in love with the view and didn't look at anything else. It has three bedrooms, one of which I'm planning on converting in our child's bedroom."

He motions to the area and said, "Can I see?"

I shrug, I don't know what brought on this sudden desire to see every part of my home but if it will keep him here for a little while, my heart wouldn't let me kick him out.

He turns to me at the last moment after he has toured all three of the fully furnished bedrooms and said, "Can I use one of these?"

I stare at him in disbelief. He may have had a fight with Meredith but I truly believed that she would forgive him in the end but he needed to be patient and not move in with me. "Derek, I don't think that's a good idea. Meredith is going to forgive you one day and then she won't be too happy that you are living with me. Why don't you just stay at your trailer until you two patch things up?"

You shake your head at me, "It's over between Meredith and me. I've accepted it, and as angry as I am I can't help thinking it's for the best."

I refuse to feel anything but concern for the father of my child as I hear the finality in his tone, "Derek, you two will get over this. You will start a new life with Meredith and you can be a part of your child's life but don't mistake a fight between the two of you for the end."

He turns to me and said,"It's over Addison. I want to move in here, I need to be close to the only true things I have left, my child and you. Please."

I'm helpless to deny him, "Of course you can stay in the spare bedroom. I'll get you a pillow and some sheets."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I floated through the next four months on a cloud. I had Derek by my side even though we weren't together and we were enjoying the excitement of the birth of our oncoming child, our son. I remember when I found out that the child I was expecting was a boy; I was going to have a son, a little boy who would call me Mommy and who would depend on me for his every wish and need.

Derek had looked me with such a sense of wonder in his eyes and I knew it was the first time that he realized that this child was more than a burden, a reason that he was no longer with Meredith, this child was a reason to live, a reason to go on.

I look up from my chart at Meredith Grey who was glaring at me from across the room. I place my hand protectively over my five-month pregnant belly and shake my head. I had nothing to feel ashamed about, it was true that Derek and I weren't in a sexual relationship we might never be again but that didn't stop us from being friends, friends that would raise their son together.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Bailey assigned you to my rounds today. We need to check out my patient's one of who has been diagnosed with Placenta Previa in her twenty-fifth week of pregnancy and then we have to check on a young girl who's complaining of pains in her stomach."

As I start walking I notice that I seem to be talking to myself and I turn back to see Meredith staring at me with her arms crossed. I walk back to her and exhale softly; this is not how I wanted my day to go, "Is there a problem Dr. Grey?"

Meredith scowled at me, "How do you do that? How do you win everything? How do you end up being the one who comes out smelling like a rose when it's me who almost died, me who lost the love of her life, me who lost everything at your hands?"

I place the charts protectively in front of my stomach as I allow her this tirade and then face her with a patented Satan glare of my own, "Meredith contrary to what you may believe, I don't have Derek. I never have had Derek. Derek has always been yours; from the moment I stepped off the plane in Seattle I have been fighting you, your presence, your memory, your very being. And now, you have the audacity to assume that I get everything I want. I wanted a husband who was willing to fight for our marriage. I wanted a husband who would stop staring longingly after an intern almost ten years his junior. I wanted so many things, all of which I never got. What did I get? I got to watch Derek Shepherd; the most renowned neurosurgeon fall apart at a body bag that he thought was yours. I had to watch Derek Shepherd, stumble into a trailer that he hadn't inhabited for months because he was permanently attached to your hip. I had to help him into bed; he was so overcome with grief for you. He needed me for a moment, one moment where I was no longer the adulterous bitch, but something else, something he needed and wanted. I gave him everything once again and once again, you took it away so please don't presume to tell me that I win everything."

I heave in deep, calming breaths as I allow the stress of my outburst to fall from my shoulders. I turn to her and speak in short, clipped tones, "I'll speak with Dr. Bailey about getting you assigned to another attending."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Addison, what do you want for lunch?" I look up at as Miranda and Callie crowd around my table with a smile.

They sit down and open up their individual's lunches and stare at me awaiting my next move, "Would you like to know the plans that we are making for your baby shower?"

I feel a slight smile touch my lips, "Sure, maybe that will cheer me up."

Miranda looks at me in concern, "What happened? Did McStupid do something?"

I shake my head as I sip on my ginger ale, after that confrontation I needed something to calm my tummy down and the ginger ale always seems to do the trick. "No, it was his girlfriend, ex-fiancée. Whatever you want to call her, she accused me of taking everything away from her. I was so tired of her walking around like the walking wounded that I went off on her. Derek is still hers and nothing will change that."

Miranda and Callie stared me in empathy and I shrugged, "Tell me about the plans for the shower. I'm eager to hear about an event that is conceivably still three months away."

Callie and Miranda launched off into details and I watched the both of them with a look of amusement until I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye. I look up and smile at Derek's approach, although I feel the smile falter when he stalks over to me with a look of anger on his face.

"Addison, what did you say to Meredith?"

I flinch at his tone. He didn't even ask what she could've possibly said to me that could've upset me or my child; he was just worried because Meredith had been upset. Meredith and Callie glare at him and I clear my throat, "Meredith confronted me Derek but I don't think you care about that right? I'm still the villain in this story."

I stand up as I feel my blood pressure shoot to my toes. I had foolishly assumed that we were starting to come back to where we were as friends and partners. But it was still Meredith, it would always be Meredith and I was tired of it.

I turned to Miranda and Callie and said, "Ladies, I need to go please excuse me. We'll discuss the plans for the shower later."

I refuse to cry in front of this son of a bitch who still cared about Meredith more than my child or I. I heard him call my name from behind me but I refused to turn around. I wanted out, and I wanted out now.

* * *

Dude, I'm tired of McBastard, starting next chapter, I think he's going to start to change. Its hard writing him  
like this even though it would be in-line with what's on our television now. Also, I never got a Meredith bitch! slapdown on my TV  
from our girl Addison who we all know would bring it on like nobody's business so I did a mini-one in this chapter.

PS, Some people might say that the line that Addison had with Derek about talking with Meredith would never happen but  
after watching some of last week's episode, I think my Addi is big enough to want the man she loves happy with or without her.  
Hence, the line.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Next two chapters, Derek gets humbled, Addison has a scare and umm no don't worry this will still be an Addek fic  
at the end. I've already wrote the ending so I know:)

**Chapter 5**

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When I came too, I noticed that I wasn't at my home dreaming of my child where I had imagined myself to be. I was lying down on a stretcher with Miranda buzzing around me with Izzie Stevens by her side.

Miranda smiled at my eyes opening and said, "It's about time, you woke up. You had everybody worried there for a moment."

My hand inadvertently traveled down to my stomach and I turned to Miranda for confirmation, "Is the baby okay?"

Miranda smirked as she turned to Izzie, "I told you five bucks."

I looked at Miranda in confusion as she reached for the ultrasound machine behind her and said, "I bet Stevens that you would be concerned with the health of your child before your own. Addison, your blood pressure was in your toes not to mention that I think you are a strong candidate for gestational diabetes. Why do I have to tell you the things that you should already know?"

I nod as I feel the tear slip out from my cheeks and I turn away from their pitying eyes as I stare at the corner in the wall, "Let me know when I can go home please Miranda. I need to be at home in my own bed."

Miranda nodded in agreement as she placed the cold jelly on my baby and turned on the machine and the sound of my son's heartbeat filled the room. I let the breath; I didn't know I had been holding out. My son was okay, and nothing had happened to him.

Izzie smiled from besides Miranda, "He sounds like a fighter Dr. Montgomery, just like you." I turn to her in surprise as she reaches for a tissue and starts dabbing at my tears as I shake my head, "I used to think I was a fighter but these last couple of months, I've learned what resignation means. Thank you two, I feel better now and Miranda I promise I'll take better care of myself."

Izzie glared as the door started to open and she turned back to me, "That's Derek. I couldn't keep him out, he's been worried. I can tell him to wait if you want."

I don't care what Derek does anymore so I shrug, I have to talk to him sooner or later. "He can come in."

Miranda stalked over to the door and pulled it open and met his hesitant gaze in my direction with one of her own, "I just got her stable. Her blood pressure was in her toes and you don't need three guesses to know what idiot gets the award for making that happen."

Derek flinched and normally I would've stuck up for him but I was actually glad that someone was fighting this battle for me because I was tired. I had become resigned, to everything around me except for my child.

As Izzie and Miranda filed out of the room and left only Derek and myself in the room I finally met his eyes and instantly closed my eyes. "I'm going home, within the next thirty minutes and I want you out of the apartment. I'll have my lawyer send the papers for joint custody over to your new forwarding address wherever that may be."

I wait for him to acknowledge my statement but I hear silence and I open my eyes to see him standing at my bedside looking at my stomach. My gown was still pushed up from when Miranda had performed the ultrasound. I notice his hand hovering over my stomach with a look of wonder in his eyes and I flinch from the emotion that was emanating from his face. I inhale a sharp breath when his hand finally makes contact with my skin that was still cold from the gel. It's instantly warmed by his hand now cupping my belly.

I turn back to stare at the point on the wall while he became acquainted with his son, the only thing of me that he's ever wanted. " Addison?"

I look back at him and raise an eyebrow in question, " Addison, I apologize. It was just the first time that Meredith and I really talked to me since she broke off the engagement and I just assumed…No, I shouldn't have assumed. I was wrong for jumping to the wrong conclusion. I know that you would never do anything to willingly hurt me, not after everything we've been through together. I'm sorry."

I nod even though I don't believe his apology is sincere, I don't really believe anything from him anymore. "Are you two back together?"

Derek shrugged as his hand started massaging my belly, "She just yelled at me. There was no talking, she wasn't even ready to listen she just accused and to be truthful I'm tired of explaining what happened. If she can't realize that in a moment of weakness…," He stops what he's about to say when he realizes what it would imply. I shove his hand off my stomach as I cradle my belly after I pull down my gown, "In a moment of weakness you screwed your ex-wife and created a child. Yea, I know. Look, Derek why don't you just go? I've done the alone thing for awhile, just let me be."

He shook his head and I refused to acknowledge that a thrill went through me that he wasn't prepared to walk away and let me go. But I told myself to grow up; he wasn't going to leave his child not after everything. " Addison, I'm sorry. I was a jerk and I'll ask forgiveness until our son is born but don't kick me out of your home. I feel so close to our son, I feel so close to you when I'm there that I don't know where you start and I end. I don't want to be separated from either of you."

It was almost like he had a link to my mind and he knew what words to say that would make me break down. I feel the tears start rolling down my cheeks and I damn my hormones silently and aloud, "Damn these hormones. Fine, Derek you can stay but on a trial basis only. If during this trial, you and Meredith reunite which is none of my business; if you reunite you have to leave my house. I may be strong in some areas but I will not have Meredith over to my house as your girlfriend, I apologize but I'm not there yet."

You look at me with a sad smile, "I've really hurt you haven't I? You can't even tell when I won't be a jerk anymore? Don't worry even if Meredith and I had gotten back together, I would never force you to be uncomfortable by having her in your presence."

I smile and say, "Thanks, I guess I'll see you later at home."

He shook his head again at me and I don't know what to think of his strange behavior, "What do you mean no?"

I learn that the response to my question was a no because he pulled up the chair and sat down next to me on the bed and held my hand. He held my hand as Miranda came in and did another ultrasound on our son to ensure that he was still fine and growing healthy. He stayed with me while I was discharged and he stayed by my side when I was sent home.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I was determined to not give him an inch. He had been smiling at me lately, smiling at what I said. Yesterday, which was Sunday, my favorite day to sleep in I was awakened in bed by Derek who provided me with breakfast in bed. I raised an eyebrow but refused to allow my heart to want him anymore. I thanked him graciously for the meal and then waited for him to leave when he jumped on the other side of the bed and pulled out the paper.

_Flashback _

"Derek, what are you doing?" I look up at him from the corner of my eye to see him getting comfortable in the bed next to me. He opened his paper to the sports section and handed me the comics and turned to me in question.

"What do you mean? We're reading the paper, it's Sunday." And as if that was explanation enough he turned back to his paper and ignored that I was sitting next to him in the bed. I pulled out the comics and start reading and laughing when appropriate even though I'm deeply aware that he's sitting next to me.

Derek looked up as I had become engrossed in trying to solve a word puzzle and looked over at me and smiled, "This is fun right?"

I nod once and said, "Yea, this is fun."

End of Flashback

I cracked open an eye at the sound of my bedroom door opening and sat up in bed with a yawn. Today would be my first day back at Seattle Grace after the scare I suffered. I was hesitant about walking into the hospital again not knowing what awaited me there. What people said never used to bother me much but ever since the realization that I was to be a mother I wanted to ensure that my child never had to hear anything bad about his mother. I smile as you walk into the room with a glass of juice and a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

I laugh as you juggle the items in your hands and the rose that is in your mouth. The rose? What's going on? I clear my throat and ask just that question, "Derek, why do you have a rose in your mouth?"

I watch your face closely for your response to the question I just posed and you meet my inquiry with a simple shrug of your shoulders, "I just wanted the start of this day to be special for you." I accept the rose with a grateful smile as he pulls the chair up to the side of my bed and said, "If you at anytime today feel like you are being stressed out, let me know. They can pull me out of surgery and I will take you home. Your health and that of the baby is too important to jeopardize."

I nod in agreement and feel a tear threatening to fall but I hold it back, "Thank you, I will do just that."

You smile and hold out your hand, "Come on, let's get you ready to go back into the workforce."

I hesitate before I take your hand, I'm not sure if I want you that close to me yet but I chide myself for being ridiculous and grip your hand firmly as you help me out of bed.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It had been a hectic morning but I was slowly working through all of my patients with no problems. Well only one problem and that problem had a name. Derek Shepherd. I don't know what got into you but you decided all of a sudden that I was worthy, worthy of your devoted attention and concern. You had ensured that I had a mid-morning snack and even came and sat in the gallery while I performed a surgery. I didn't know what to attribute this about face but I refused to question or pay it any attention. I knew too well how quickly your priorities could change and I didn't want to be left out in the cold again.

I exhaled as I leaned against the counter and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. The nurse greets me with a smile and inquires after my health. I assure her that I and baby Montgomery-Shepherd are just fine.

I heard a throat clear and I turn around and Callie greets me with a hug and a big smile. "I was worried about you but each time I called Derek told me that you were resting. You got my messages right?"

I roll my eyes in exasperation at your over-protectiveness, "I know that you called but I didn't know that he told you that I was resting. Each time I reached for the phone, it was mysteriously out of my reach. I guess the overprotective father of my child kept all visitors away from me. I was starting to worry that I didn't have any friends left. Good to know that he was the culprit."

I smile at her as the humor lights up her eyes and I check my watch, "It's almost time for lunch. What do you say?"

Callie smiles a brilliant smile and said, "It will give me a chance to show you the pictures from my honeymoon."

I nod in agreement as we go off preparing ourselves for a nice lunch.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Callie was currently proudly displaying her honeymoon photos. I listen as she excitedly demonstrates the photos of the beach in Jamaica. I smile as I watch her blush about her and George making love in the ocean and I squeeze her hand when she tells me how much she loves him. It's plain to see that she's happy and she's finally with the man she deserved. I only hoped that one day I would find that man for me, a man that would help me raise my son. I had given up hope on the father of my child. I didn't want to admit that I had given up hope to ever win Derek's heart. I was no longer his enemy but a friend, but friends were all and for now it was fine.

I smiled as she closed the book with a sigh, "Callie, thanks for sharing. These were wonderful. So, you need to start planning your next vacation."

Callie rolled her eyes at my statement and said, "I can't even think about another vacation until we pay the bills from the wedding and our honeymoon. Besides, a good girlfriend of mine is going to be giving birth soon and I need to ensure that she has a wonderful baby shower and the birth of my god-nephew comes without any problems."

I smile at her concern and feel blessed in that moment. I had never really been a religious person but listening to someone who cared not just about my wellbeing but that of my child warmed my heart. I leaned over and gave her a hug as Miranda came over to the table and plopped down next to us. "The clinic is set to open next March."

I gasp as I lean over and reward Miranda with a hug, "I'm so proud of you. I knew that you and Izzie could do it and just know that when I signed that paper for you, I meant it. I will volunteer as soon as I get off maternity leave with this one." I place a hand over my belly even though it doesn't really need to be pointed out the stomach that is so obvious from my normally flat belly.

Miranda smiled and said "Everything checks out, have you two thought of names yet?"

I shake my head in disgust, "We keep procrastinating and I'm afraid that when he comes out that I'm going to be stuck calling him Baby Montgomery-Shepherd. Derek and I need to discuss this."

Callie leaned back and said, "Derek and I? Do I take that to mean that things between the two of you are progressing nicely?"

I snort and then blush in embarrassment, "I don't think things with Derek and I will ever progress. We will be friends and we will be parents but nothing more. Derek is already there, I'm just learning to accept it and once I do maybe I'll find a guy for me."

* * *

Don't worry Addison just needs a distraction while Derek gets his act together. 

Also, like many of my fellow Addek writers/readers, this last episode was the last one for them. I too prescribe to that theory and blame it  
all on Kate. Don't get me wrong, I think she's wonderful but my theory is the chemistry between these two (just standing in the freaking elevator together)  
brings more to my screen than Mer/Der spooning in a hospital bed. I felt nothing there but meanwhile that one scene with Addek in the elevator has been  
on repeat for hours. I guess that Shonda didn't/doesn't know how to write a romance between Mer/Der (that started from a pickup at a bar am I right?)  
against 11 years of a meaningful marriage (because I don't care what crap they have my Addison spew it was 11 years, 11 freaking years). I give up and  
my only outlet will be writing/reading all of these fics because I'm done. Some might not agree and that's okay but don't worry I don't hold anyone's opinions  
against them as I hope mine won't be held against me...Umm, oh yea I finished the story about a week ago and I'm trying to decide the rate of which I should  
update the remaining chapters any ideas?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Let me know your thoughts, I was trying for repentant Derek on this one.

Quick Note: Still-Waiting-4-it-2-Pass - I had already kinda wrote her distraction and it wasn't Alex. So sorry, hope you're still with me.

Also, took someone's advice, and here's your chapter for every other day:)

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
I didn't know that an opportunity to move on would be dumped into my lap so quickly. "Dr. Montgomery?" I looked up at the sound of my name being called and am immediately intrigued by the handsome stranger who is eyeing me up and down.

"I'm Dr. Montgomery. I'm sorry; I don't believe I've had the pleasure."

He extended his hand towards me and said, "I know that I haven't. My name is Alan Coldstone, I'm the new doctor that Richard hired to help oversee his psychiatry department, and after reading some of your recent cases, it seems I arrived just in time."

I laughed at his joke and notice that he's handsome. Not in the traditional sense, not in the Derek or Mark sense but he's pleasant. With his jet black hair, warm brown eyes and gleaming white teeth he would give the nurses a run for their money if he was interested. "Anyway, Dr. Montgomery, I wondered if you would have time to go out to dinner with me. I've already heard through the grapevine that you are currently single."

I gasp in shock. I can't believe that I've just been asked out on a date. I was never one to deny that I had a certain appeal, but being eight months pregnant seemed to make the appeal disappear. I had just prepared myself to be a part of the wallpaper until I gave birth and got back to wearing my knee length skirts and wrap tops that showed off my breasts. "You do know that I'm pregnant with my ex-husband's child? Not to mention he's currently living with me."

He flashed his white teeth at me and I feel a flutter in my stomach, "I've heard something to that affect but I'm also aware that you are currently detached even if he is living with you. Now if that's the case and you wouldn't mind going on a date, I'd be delighted."

I shrug. Now's a good time as any to start looking for someone to help fill the void where love used to be in my life, "I would love to but not tonight…What do you say to tomorrow?"

Alan grinned at me and said, "I'd love to. Tomorrow, I'll get directions to your house and I'll pick you up from there what do you think?"

I nod and speak softly, "That sounds good, thanks Alan. It's been a pleasure meeting you."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
I move around my kitchen efficiently as I part the pasta into two parts and put one package in the refrigerator. I look over my shoulder as Derek comes stumbling through the door with his backpack slung over his shoulder and an easy smile on his face. We had fallen into a quiet, companionable silence that worked well, and especially if we were going to become parents.

Derek came up behind me and peered at the stove over my shoulder as he kissed my cheek, he reached for a piece of sausage and I slapped his hand away. "Derek, dinner is almost done. Do you think you can wait ten minutes?"

He rolled his eyes at me and I take the moment to clear my throat, "I'm leaving the leftover pasta in the refrigerator so you can eat it tomorrow for dinner."

He smiles at me as he falls into the chair and shakes his head, "That won't be enough for all three of us to eat. Let's have something else tomorrow."

I flinch as I turn back to the stove and speak softly, "I have plans tomorrow."

He raises an eyebrow at this and asks, "Did Callie and Miranda need another girl's night out?"

I shake my head as I turn off the flame on the stove and prepare to bring dinner to the table. You hop up before I have a chance to stop you and start to help me as I maneuver the spaghetti with sausage, salad and garlic bread to the table. You take the burden out of my hand and look back at me in confusion, "If you aren't going out with Callie and Miranda who is it? Richard has plans as far as I know."

I smile to myself in disbelief when I realize that I was hesitant to tell you about my plans, it was almost as I was expecting you to disapprove. "Have you met the new head of the psychiatry department yet?"

Derek looked perplexed for a moment but then nodded at me and said, "We met briefly. Spoke in the hall but I was on the way to a consult so I didn't have a chance to chat with him for too long, why?"

I sit down gingerly at the table and start to toss the salad as I try to speak nonchalantly and say, "He asked me out on a date today and I accepted. We are having dinner tomorrow."

I spoon up some salad on the plate and count to ten before daring to meet your gaze. I'm shocked to see a flare of anger in your eyes, "Derek, what's wrong?"

The flare of anger is quickly masked by confusion, "Doesn't he know that you are pregnant?"

I smirk and roll my eyes, "Of course he knows I'm pregnant. He also knows that you live with me but as platonic friends. He knew the whole story which was rather disconcerting, but he still wanted to go out with me even though I'm as huge as a whale."

Derek leans back in satisfaction, "That's my boy. Us Shepherds are known for making strong, big boys."

I roll my eyes as I start to cut a piece of bread, glad that the anger I had detected in your eyes was replaced by the friend I had come to rely on during my pregnancy.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It was almost three o'clock in the morning when the knock on my bedroom door came. I hadn't been able to sleep, I was too busy tossing and turning worrying about the date, I suddenly found myself in. I was also worried that the time for the birth of my child was getting close and I hadn't yet picked out a name. I clear my throat and said, "Yea Derek, what is it?"

The door opened and he stepped in and met my eyes as he shuffled his feet across the floor, "I couldn't sleep."

I roll my eyes at his attempt at appearing pitiful. I cross my arms over my chest and say with a grin, "And? How exactly does that affect me Shepherd?"

You scowl at me playfully and speak, "Don't be that way Satan. Can I get in?"

I gasp in shock; he wanted to sleep with me? He wanted to be in the same bed with the woman who in the last couple of months had wreaked havoc on his life and caused the rift between him and Meredith? I shrug trying to appear unaffected by the fact that he wants to be that close to me, that intimate. I pat the side of the bed next to me and wait on bated breath as you hurry over and slide under the covers.

I slid back under my covers and face you, "Derek, we need to talk."

You open an eye at me and grimace, "I came here to sleep Addi. Go to sleep, we'll talk in the morning."

I sigh as I turn over and then I hear you roll over on your back. You clear your throat so I turn over and I'm facing you as your eyes are staring at the ceiling, "I don't like that you are going on a date with the doctor, there I said it."

I hadn't expected that one. I had merely hoped to bring up the idea of naming our son before he arrived. I didn't expect to be confronted with his jealousy. "Derek, its just dinner. We aren't going off to Vegas to elope or anything. And even if I do end up with this doctor, you will always have a place in your son's life you know that. To emphasis that point, your son just kicked my bladder." You don't hesitate as you shape your hand on my belly and feel our son greet you warmly.

I'm watching you for any signs that you are still apprehensive about my date on tomorrow but you seem content to let the subject drop. I start to turn over and try to go to sleep when you exhale again and speak, "I think I'm over Meredith."

A simple phrase. But it had the power to make my heart start beating at twice its normal rhythm. I didn't want to pay attention to it because it would mean that I could have a chance, that we could have a chance to be a real family. I steel myself to be your friend and not the hopeful woman who still loves you, "Why do you think that is Derek? Did you have another fight?"

I watch as he struggles with what he's about to admit to me so I wait patiently and then he shocks me when he takes my hand and said, "Meredith is dating again. I thought I would be so jealous I would see red but she was smiling and I was happy for her and I told her so. She told me that we had our moment and that the best thing for us to do was to move on. I kissed her on the cheek and wished her well; I don't think I ever felt so relieved in my life. She's happy Addison, and even though it's without me, I'm okay with that."

I swear I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, "Do you still love her?"

He meets my eyes with a sad smile of his own, "I will always hold a special place in my heart for her. But the kind of love, I professed to have for her isn't there anymore. The romantic love, the passion it's gone."

I nod not meeting your eyes as I watch as you hold my hand in yours while caressing my fingers, " Addison, I want us to try again."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I stared at the sun beaming through my blinds and feel my stomach lurch as the morning sickens hit me. Some women were blessed to only have morning sickness in their first trimester. I unfortunately wasn't one of those women and was probably going to carry the morning sickness with me to labor & delivery. I will admit that my stomach was also tied in knots at Derek's request last night. I had listened as he told me that Meredith was no longer his obsession and I was happy for him, happy for my son but most of all happy for me. And then you asked me to try again and I felt the bottom fall out of my stomach. I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle you again. I asked for time but I knew that I didn't need it. I have never stopped loving you, even when you were denying my existence and that of my child my love for you remained in tact. It was one of the things that I hated about my treacherous heart.

I slip easily into the maternity green suit and reach for the clip to pull my hair back when you enter the bedroom while I'm struggling to zip up the back of my dress with no assistance.

You clear your throat in disgust and speak from behind my shoulder with you hands firmly on my hips, "Why didn't you call me Addi? You know that's what I'm here for; you don't have to be superwoman you know."

I nod in agreement and try not to flinch when you wrap your arms around my waist and I stare at our reflection in the mirror. The smile that's gracing your face is one I never thought I would see again. You were happy, just happy to be with me, happy to know that I was here and happy to know that your child was safe. I leaned back in your arms allowing myself the pleasure of basking in your strong arms.

"Addison, I know it's not fair to ask but would you cancel your date please?"

I wanted to nod emphatically that it was the first thing on my agenda but I shake my head in negation, "Derek, I accepted this date and I mean to go out with Alan. If nothing else, it would be good to meet the new doctor on board."

I listen to your disgusted sigh and try not to analyze its meaning. You didn't want me; you had made that abundantly clear so I was in all the right in the world to try to move on. I do however; feel like comforting you, "Derek, this is only dinner, not an engagement party. I'm just going out to eat." I don't know why I feel the need to explain my actions to you but if we are going to be co-parenting our son together the least we should be able to do is discuss matters like rational adults.

* * *

So he finally declared his intent to try again, too soon? I don't know, I guess 6 chapters in is good? Thoughts please! 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Derek is unbelievable huh? He wants her to break her date just because **he **decided to get a  
clue. I will admit I was tempted but Addison deserves some new male companionship.

One last mini-rant and I'll leave it alone for a couple of (D,H,M,S?)- Did anyone think it was weird that this 'wonderful relationship' that Mer/Der has and he thinks  
she's capable of suicide? WTF! How's that for healthy? Oh I forgot, this is Shondaland!

Yea so umm, I had tried to do the every other day thing, but kinda too much pressure...I'm forced to write more! gasp! I'll try to update  
again this weekend or early next week but no promises!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I had worked through the morning with no complications although I did see Derek in the hall various times throughout the day stealing glances at me. I wondered what he wanted but I decided to let him approach me, I was tired of being the one who had to be open and vulnerable alone. I was excited to go to lunch with Callie and Miranda to share news of my upcoming date with my friends to get their reaction.

I had just gotten my lunch when I looked up to see Derek standing in front of the empty chair at my table. I smile at him in confusion. We had never made it a practice to sit together at work; you told me that you preferred our times at home when it was just the two of us. I smile softly, "Derek, what's up?"

I stare into your eyes and I notice you're fidgeting so I ask, "Do you want to sit down?"

You exhale a relieved sigh as you dump your tray on my table and pull a book out of your pocket and hand it to me. I take the book with an uneasy smile and then giggle when I realize what it is. "Baby names? You're finally read to bite the bullet?"

I watch as an excited grin crosses your face and you nod emphatically, "We can't let our son enter this world without a name. I was going to discuss this with you at home tonight, but since you have a _date_, I won't get a chance."

I refuse to acknowledge the last part of that comment as I lean back and start fingering the pages, you've started something. I've been trying to convince you the importance of having our child's name picked out prior to his birth, I pause while peering at the book and said, "I know what I want our son's middle name to be."

You grin slyly at me and said, "Along as it's not Mark, I'm fine."

I gasp at you in shock; this is the first time that you refer to my time with Mark as nothing more than a joke. I shake my head and said, "I want our child's middle name to be Richard."

You nod with approval, "That would make him happy. It would also be thanks for everything he's done for us, for all three of us."

I smile that he realizes that was my thought from the beginning, and I lean forward and say, "Can I confess something to you?"

A flicker of fear crosses your face as you are afraid to hear my next sentence. I feel a little of the excitement leave me but then you cover that face with a smile and said, "What do you want to confess?"

I'm momentarily blinded by the brilliance of your smile as I reach into my purse and pull out my own big book of baby names and I have a sheet within the book which I hand to you. You take the paper with a lot of interest on your face as you start to read aloud, "Christopher Richard Shepherd."

I shrug, and wait for your opinion but you don't give me any comments only continue reading, "Derek Richard Shepherd."

I pat my stomach and explain, "Our child could be junior if you want."

I watch as you shake your head, "No my child doesn't deserve the burden of carrying this name, we have to think of a unique name."

I start drinking from my juice as I'm excited as you are about the task we are about to undertake in the middle of Seattle Grace's cafeteria. We are going to give our child a name, an identity that he will carry with him throughout the rest of his life.

I wait for you to continue reading and I notice you skip over some names and shake your head but then pause at the name of my choice, "Dominic?"

I always liked the name; I had even circled it on the page and put the meaning of the name beside it. You stop and look up at me and try out the name on your tongue, "Dominic Richard Shepherd."

I smile softly when I hear how nice the name sounds coming off of your lips and I nod in hope, maybe he would be attracted to the name as much as I was. I wait impatiently as you survey the rest of the names on the list before coming back to my favorite choice. You ponder over that name for ten minutes more and I swear you are doing this to me to pay me back for some unknown sin. "Dominic Richard Shepherd, I like it. As a matter of fact, I don't just like it; I think it should be the name."

I giggle happily because once again, we are on the same page. We had given our child a name. I try it out on my tongue, once more just to make sure that I knew what I was saying with that statement, "Dominic Richard Shepherd, I like it Derek. I really do."

You nod at me once and go back to eating as I sit in wonder that our child now had a name and he pauses and says, "Do you know what the final pushover on that name was for me? The initials."

I look at you in confusion, "Initials?"

You smile at me knowingly and said, "Dominic Richard Shepherd. His initials will be DRS."

I sigh in happiness; I hadn't even looked at it like that but the realization that we had marked our child and in essence gave him a piece of ourselves made me happy. "Dominic Richard Shepherd. His initials stand for what brought us together, it sounds so fitting."

I notice that I haven't got weepy over the realization that we had made a decision about our family together and I wasn't apprehensive, more like hoping.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When it rolled to the end of the day, I felt the weariness of the day weighing down my shoulders as I start to worry about the date I had accepted yesterday.

I need to calm down, because this man is just a man like any other. I reach for my purse as I hear the door open and my date flashes his head in with a smile fixed on his lips, "So Dr. Montgomery, are you ready to go?"

I take a moment to watch Alan Coldstone, I memorize his face and his expressions and feel a sense of relief. I wasn't rushing into anything; it was a simple dinner date. If I didn't like him, it wouldn't go any further, if I did there were some ground rules that had to be set. I didn't know if I was ready to enter into a relationship but I do know that I can't keep pining after Derek forever. He's the father of my child but he doesn't want me, he's made that abundantly clear. If I truly for a moment believed that he asking to try again would signify that he loved me again I would have never accepted the date.

I smile at the new possibility in my life as he maneuvers me out of the hospital. We garner a lot of attention as he walks me to his car. After we get into the car, I turn to him and warn him, "What we just did is going to cause a lot of gossip at work. Be prepared for tomorrow, you will be bombarded with questions, some that may have no answers."

I laugh at his facial expression, he looks almost frightened but he shakes his head, "I was referred to the new little Italian place so are you game for Italian?"

I can feel my mouth water at the possibilities, "Italian, sounds wonderful."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I lean back in my chair and reach for my wineglass filled with water and lemon and try to put on a sophisticated pose as I watch him finish off the last of his dessert, "Okay Dr. Coldstone, from the moment we've sat down you made it a priority to pull all of my secrets out of me and very neatly diverted all of my questions. Now I've bared my soul to you and I'm looking for a little payback, tell me your life story."

I laugh because as my words sink through his consciousness I can clearly tell I've made him uncomfortable. It doesn't bother me in the least, he had spent all evening prying my life story from me which I told him without any reservations and now I expected the same in return.

I look at his face as he starts to blush a dark red and reaches for his glass of wine, "Alan, turnabout is fair play. You know all my secrets, I want to know yours."

I watch him as he smiles and nods, "I'm not used to being the one questioned, I'm used to doing the questioning. My story is really rather uncomplicated and boring which I don't think will interest you but here it is anyway. I graduated from UCLA with my doctorate in psychology and went looking for work. I traveled around the country never staying in any one place too long. I noticed that Seattle Grace had been a lot in the news lately and so I started doing some searching….You guys have been on the internet lately for news worthy stories and I was intrigued. Some of the cases I was reading about seemed extraordinary and it looked like you guys weren't just treating the disease you were also treating the person and I was interested. I wondered whether you needed my help in treating the whole patient and so I placed a call to Richard and here I am."

I smile at his matter of fact way of telling me the facts about what motivated him to come to Seattle and say, "Thanks for telling me all of that. Now, that you've told me about your professional life, what do you say you tell me a bit about your personal one?"

* * *

A/N: Next chapter gets kinda heavy on the angst/drama so be prepared, I don't know what made me decide to write the next chapter  
like I did but I did. Thoughts, please:) 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Last chapter was kinda short so I could go back and retink with the drama in this chapter.  
Let me know how you think it turned out.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I look up as he helps me into my coat and we head out into the cool, Seattle air. I smile when he holds out his arm for me and I reach over and take it. I like looking at the smile on his face, it was a genuine smile, it was I'm just happy to be with you smile. I hadn't seen a smile directed at me just because they were in my presence for so long I was momentarily disconcerted by the sight of it but tried to not let on.

"Addison, I had a phenomenal time tonight. I hope this will only be just the beginning."

As we are walking down the sidewalk I pause to consider his words. Only the beginning? Could I really find happiness with him? I look into his eyes and notice he is self-conscious, "So do I Alan, so do I."

There it's done. I'm moving on. I, Addison Forbes Montgomery have made a solemn vow to not waste my life hoping that Derek Shepherd will once again love me. I will be a mother to my son and hopefully a wife again to someone who truly wants me. It's the least I can hope for.

He starts steering me towards the car when a man rushes up to us. I wait for him to move so that Alan and I can be on our way and that's when I notice the gun. I feel my stomach drop to my toes as I instinctively cover my belly in hopes of protecting the only thing important on me.

_"Give me all your money."_

I hand over my purse without letup while Alan shields me behind his back. I couldn't believe the stupidity of our robber who was robbing us in front of a lamppost with a gun aimed on our faces. The robber stares leeringly at me and I want to vomit but Alan won't let him near and I feel safe for a moment.

"Look, you've got what you want our wallets and money. Now, just go."

I hope that Alan's words would be enough to convince the robber to go but I feel his beady eyes checking me out up and down. Alan must notice it as well because he pulls me closer even as the gun is pressed directly at his chest, "I want her too. I want the girl."

Girl? Who is he talking about? He obviously can't mean me, I'm not a girl. I'm a woman, I'm a mother but I'm not a girl. I feel the hysterical sobs start to rise in my chest but I hold them back, I have to be strong if nothing else for my son. He has to be my only priority.

The robber points the gun directly in my face and reaches for me. I'm so afraid I stumble back and feel the lamppost hit my lower back and I gasp at the pain that starts radiating from that area. In act of what either could be called heroics or stupidity Alan, punches the robber throwing him off guard and making him lose his gun.

I gasp in shock as the robber turns around and runs down the street leaving us here to gather our wits. Alan turns to me in horror and asks, "Are you okay?"

I can't speak, I'm too frozen but as I look down, I know that nothing will ever be the same. "Alan, I need to go to the hospital, I'm bleeding."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The ride to the hospital was the longest in my life. I held my belly and kept whispering to my son. "Domi, hold on we are just fine. Mommy's going to take care of you." I only wished that I felt the same amount of trust that I tried to enforce in my voice. I was terrified, if anything happened to you, I don't know how I would go on living.

For so long, I had made you the center of my world, the reason I still lived in Seattle, the reason I was still at Seattle Grace instead of moving back to Manhattan.. When I was rolled into the ER the first two faces I was greeted with, were that of Miranda and Izzie both of whom I needed desperately.

I turned frightened eyes on Miranda and whisper, "I'm bleeding. Alan and I were out on a date and I…"

I can't even finish the rest of the events that had permanently taken at least ten years off my life as I continue to talk to and stroke my stomach. Miranda smiles and squeezes my hands softly, "Let's not panic until I give you a reason to panic. Even if, you are going into early labor, there is still a possibility that this baby can be born with minimal complications."

I try to focus on the rationality of those words but my only concern is my child. What would happen to my child?

Izzie opens her mouth to offer me some comfort I think when I hear a yell scream through my head, "Where is she? Where is she?"

Miranda smirks from her position at my side checking my vital signs and motions to Izzie, "Get the door. I think Dr. Shepherd is expecting entry."

I shudder to imagine the look of rage that must be on his face now. After all, he had asked me to specifically cancel my date and if I had none of this would've happened. I could only pray that there was nothing wrong with our son because if otherwise I didn't know how I was going to face you.

Izzie opened the door and I watch as he came rushing into the room and instantly appeared by my side. I can't help but feel guilty at the look of terror that's crossing his face and I feel the fear that had been present throughout my whole ordeal catch up with me and I start to sob. Within an instant I was in Derek's arms and I felt like I could finally breathe again, I didn't even pay attention that he had been kissing the top of my head and squeezing my hand forcefully. He was as worried as I was and I finally allowed him to comfort me.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I had been closing my eyes and was concentrating on sending all of my love and strength to my child. I didn't want to learn that something had happened because of what happened but I was afraid that I had lost my baby. I had never been allowed a chance to ever win anything. I lost Derek, I would lose my baby and I would lose me.

The door opened and Miranda shuffled into the room with Izzie close on her heels, "Everything's fine Addison. A blood vessel burst when you hit the lamppost but I checked the vitals on the baby and he doesn't appear to be in distress."

The sob I had been holding in came out as a whispered prayer as I look to Derek and see the same face of relief on his face appear. I reach for him as we hug each other in relief, Domi was okay.

I exhale a sound of relief as Derek leans forward and kisses me on the lips. I open my eyes in shock at his actions, I hadn't expected that one. I knew that he was obviously worried about our son but a kiss? A kiss meant something more; well it did at least to me. I refused to dwell on it, I was okay and our son was okay.

I gasped as I realized that I had only been focused on Dominic and completely forgot the heroic man who allowed us to be here and looked Derek in the eyes and spoke softly, "Alan? Is Alan okay?"

I don't respond to the scowl that crosses Derek's face as I rationalize that he's just upset that I was in danger in the first place. I reach out and grab his hand, "He saved our lives Derek. He put me behind him even when the robber…"

I feel the hysteria threatening to rise up again when you take me back into your arms and start kissing my head, cheeks, forehead and then finally my lips. I sigh on a shudder as he locked my lips with yours and you start to explore my mouth with your tongue. I pull back in shock as I realize that we were getting intimate in the hospital and I shake my head.

I couldn't be thinking straight so I ask again, "Is Alan okay? He saved our lives Derek."

I'm hesitant when he reaches over and starts stroking my face and pulls up a chair next to the bed. "Alan Coldstone is fine. I left him in the ER where he was being treated for minor injuries. He wanted to come by and ensure you were okay himself but I told him not to bother you wouldn't be going on anymore dates with him."

I gasp indignant that he had the nerve to assume he knew my mind, my heart and that gave him the right to dictate my actions. I pull my hand out of his and cross my arms in a defensive pose, "Derek, the man saved my life. He saved our son's life, the least you could've done was to be grateful."

I watch in disbelief as a pout crossed his face, "You wouldn't have been in danger if you had refused to go out on that date with him in the first place. Face it, you're stuck with me."

I don't know how to answer that question and am saved from having to do so when Miranda comes in with a syringe. I look at Derek and then her in fear, "What's this?"

I look between Derek and Miranda who are struggling with the appointed one to tell me what's in the instrument that you are about to inject into me, "I don't want any drugs, I need to be lucid for whatever may come. What is that anyway?"

Miranda scowls at me as she presses the syringe into my IV ignoring my pleas for information. Once the syringe is empty, she walks over to the side of my bed and takes my hand, "Now Addison you know better than believe I would give you anything that would harm your health or my nephew. Don't worry; I just applied a mild sedative and anxiety medication. You've been through a lot today and what your body needs and your baby is some rest. I know you, you are still wound up about what happened and you won't be able to get some sleep. If you don't get some sleep, then you could cause damage to your health and that of the baby do you want that?"

I shake my head emphatically and smile at her sheepishly, "I'm glad you're here to keep me in line Miranda."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

As I felt the drugs lift their hold over my consciousness I realize that I'm still in unfamiliar surroundings. I'm still at the hospital and my life had almost ended quickly tonight. I crack open one eye and then look at Derek who's spread out across the couch in my room. He hadn't left? I had assumed after he found out that our son was no longer in danger he would've headed for the apartment to have a good night sleep. I feel my eyes falling slowly and as they close I hear remnants of a conversation.

'She's sleeping. Please leave.'  
'I just want to check on her.'  
'Haven't you done enough?'  
'I don't have to listen to this, I'll be back.'  
'I love her, I love my child. I want the whole package.'  
'I'm still going to talk to her.'

When my eyes finally do open fully it is night again and as I survey the dark room the only figure I can clearly distinguish is him on the couch in my room. He is curled up in a ball with a blanket draped across his shoulders. I feel a flutter in my heart but tell myself to get a grip, that he's here for the worry that comes with being a parent but my heart is trying to push for some other connection.

* * *

So too much? Not enough, I'm really curious because its never happened to me but I wanted to throw our characters in the mix and see what would  
happen so please let me know your thoughts on this one! Thanks, EP! 


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: So I was trying to emote a kinder Derek and I'm not sure I came across so let me know your thoughts!

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When it was morning, I was bombarded by my favorite interns, attending and Chief who all wanted to give me warm wishes. I was still hormonal about almost losing my life and that of my child so I tried not to speak for too long in case I needed to break out into a bucket of tears at a moments notice.

So when Miranda came in later that afternoon, I was holding my emotions together by a thread and not a very long one. I smile when I look in Miranda's eyes and notice that she's trying to read my thoughts. I swipe an errant piece of hair from my cheek and ask, "What's going on?"

Miranda smirked at me and handed me papers, "These are your release papers but I don't know if I want to give them to you. Ever time I let you out of this hospital; I can't seem to keep you in one piece. I'm thinking, I should get you a permanent room here and then everyone would be more tranquil."

I shudder as I remember the horror of the past couple of hours, she rushes to my side and says, "Addison, this wasn't your fault you know that right?"

I'm too choked up to answer but I shake my head, I know this was my fault. All I had to do was listen to Derek's wish and we would have been at home together discussing colors for Dominic's room and instead I had made Derek suffer a panic attack believing that he was about to lose his son. "It was my fault Miranda and no amount of hoping will change that. All Derek asked of me was to cancel the date, he said he wanted to try again but my heart doesn't trust him, I don't know if it will ever trust him, but what I do know is that if I had followed his wish I wouldn't be in the hospital."

I finish my spiel and look up to see the expression on Miranda's face which has quickly turned into a raging temper and it was directed at me, I flinched back as she stormed out of the room.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I had been waiting patiently for Miranda's return as well as any news on Alan or Derek. Both had been mysteriously absent from my room today and I was concerned that words were spoken and Richard had to take them aside and discipline both of them.

The door opened and Miranda walked in with the surgery schedule for the week. She handed me the paper and said, "Read. Read the date that all these patients were admitted."

I'm hesitant to not obey any directive from Miranda so I scan the paper and notice that all have the same admittance date, "They were all admitted yesterday?"

Miranda snatched the paper back from me and sighed, she pulled the chair up to my side. "With most of my other patients, I would end up doing reverse psychology but you're a doctor and you know what these numbers mean. I know these numbers may also mean nothing to you because you've already shifted roles from being one of the best damn neonatal surgeon that I've had the pleasure to work with, to being just a mother and a woman who was scared but that sheet shows that there was a twenty-five car pileup last night, one you could just have easily been caught up in instead being the victim of a attempted holdup."

I felt the tears roll down my cheeks at my own insensitivity, I had boxed myself away from the real world not taking time to acknowledge, that other people too could have crisis. I reach for a tissue and start cleaning up my own tears as Miranda smiles at me, "That wasn't so you would feel guilty but it was so you can stop feeling bad for yourself. Derek Shepherd has made too many mistakes, where you're concerned and where your marriage was concerned. He has no authority to demand that you drop any dates because he suddenly had a conscious attack, I happen to like this new doctor. He's cute and if you feel something serious for him, don't let anyone Mark, Derek or even Richard tell you that it's wrong. You deserve to be happy, after everything and if it's not with Derek, then that's his problem for not knowing to appreciate what he had when he had it and nothing else."

I do start sobbing after this, large gulping sobs where I barely stop to inhale breath. I manage to stumble out through my sobs, "Thank you Miranda. You and Callie have truly been the glue that holds me together. I don't know what I would do if I was still in Seattle, alone and pregnant with no friends. It's means the world that you have decided to befriend the mess that I am."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I want to do this by myself, I want to be able to do something by myself but I'm constantly surrounded by well meaning friends in the hospital who won't let me fully recover. Miranda gave me a clean bill of health with orders that I be on bed rest for the week, since it was only Wednesday and this was my only outlet, the idea of three days at home alone was daunting. Fortunately, I had just got my new laptop synced with the hospital so I could catch up some of my reports, emails and write that paper I had been promising the New England Journal of Medicine. It would be good but I would be bored, bored out of my mind and I would be alone.

Maybe I could use the time, to look for decorations for Domi's room. I send my hand to my pronounced belly and start to stroke the area where my child lay. To think, I had almost lost him still had the ability to make me shudder in horror and make tears well in my eyes.

I pull on my clothes rather quickly as I'm anxious to leave the hospital, I don't want to be here. I don't want to take up a bed where someone who is really ill can use this space. As I reach for the door to open I'm taken aback when Derek sticks his head in with a grin. "Thought you could leave without me didn't you?"

I step back that is exactly what I thought, it is exactly what I wanted actually and even though it didn't happen I'm still tempted to see if I can do this alone, "I know that your schedule must be busy with that pileup that Miranda was telling me about. I can take a cab home, really Derek. I know you're needed here." I wanted a chance to go home and steel myself for the next battle that was coming my way.

I look up as he is scowling at me, "There is nothing more important to me than you and Dominic. There is another neurosurgeon on staff, even though at times it feels like I'm the only one here."

I smile softly and then look down and back away from the door in horror, "Derek no. I'm not using that. Take it back."

I watch as he smirks and pats the back of the wheelchair that he is fiercely guarding and smiles in glee, "These are doctors orders, well actually Miranda's so it's a direct order from the Nazi. But if you want to ignore her directive….."

I scowl and plop myself gently into the chair, the last thing I wanted to do was go home and especially in a wheelchair but I was anxious to leave the place that was still rife with bad memories so I decide to comply.

I flinch when Derek kisses me on the forehead, "That's my girl, always so obedient."

I'm pregnant and I don't use bad words and especially in front of my unborn son so I send him the finger as we leave my hospital room. His laughter can be heard through the halls.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

As I settle myself into the bed, I see Derek hovering over me with a look of concern and waiting. I reach for my laptop and glasses and dismiss him with a wave of my hand. He sits down next to me and pulls the chair close and reaches for my hand. I allow him to take my hand as I focus on what was coming. He had been acting weird ever since the near miss and now I was wary of any emotional declarations that I would automatically dismiss as false due to timing.

"What's going on Derek? Did you need something?" I try to speak in a normal tone so as to not let on that inside I'm shaking. I'm literally terrified that the next words that he speaks will irrevocably change my life.

I allow him to gently massage my fingers as he squeezes my hand and then speaks slowly, softly. It was so low that I had to strain to hear him, and when I did hear him, I felt tears come to my eyes. "I was so scared Addi. When I got the call that you were in the hospital the only thought that ran through my mind was how I was going to live without you. You or Dominic and that's when it hit me, I loved you. I never stopped; I allowed my pride and hatred of your actions to blind me to whom I had chosen to be with for the rest of my life. It was pretty satisfying and also pretty damning to at the same moment recognize that I had finally worked out my feelings only to find that I might never get a chance to act on them. So after saying all of that, Addison, I want you to know that I love you. I know that you may not believe it or even want me anymore but I love you and there I've said it."

I snatch my hand back and close my eyes as the sobs start to slowly wrack my body. He had finally uttered the words that had been my wish, my every desire since the moment we made love that fateful night all those months ago. Now, he was here in front of me ready to put actions to the words and I was scared to death. I didn't know if I could trust him with something as sacred as my heart. I had given it to him once before and he broke it.

"Derek, I can't…" I pause in my dialogue to swipe at the tears that are rolling down my cheeks. It wasn't easy to finally get what you've always dreamed of only to realize that the dream couldn't be your reality. Not yet, not until I could trust the words.

I shake my head, "I love you Derek you know that. But love isn't enough, trust is also an important factor and unfortunately I don't trust you. I don't trust that these words are just not you worrying that something could've happened to Domi or me. I know that you truly believe every word that's coming out of your mouth but I've been there and I don't want to go there again, and especially not until you're sure."

I watch on bated breath for his reaction, I know he wouldn't be pleased that I'm in actuality deeming your sentiments as false but I had to be true to myself as well. It wasn't just me anymore, I had another life that depended on me, and I wanted to do right by both of us.

The scowl that crossed his face is quickly replaced by a grin of acceptance. "I'm in this for the long haul Addison. So it's okay if you don't believe that I don't want you now because I know that after everything I have to win back your trust and the only way to do that is slowly. So prepare yourself because I'm going to woo you, I'm going to make you believe in what's between us again. I'm going to make you believe in our family."

* * *

Le Sigh! Not much of a jerk anymore is he? I tried but let me know if it was too over the top or not enough. 


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **While I would love to blame her emotions on hormones, I think Addison has a valid point, so does Derek but I've always been more  
on Addison's side anyway.

**Chapter 10**

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I had fallen asleep with my glasses on and my laptop open. It was amazing the amount of information you could find on the Internet and I was finally having a chance to utilize it all. I had wondered if Derek would come back in and try to start up with his 'I love you' spiel but fortunately he had been quiet which I was extremely grateful for. Miranda had told me that I needed to move around a little bit, but not too much the first couple of days, these things I already knew but I was still having a hard time adhering too.

I was glad that I was already up from the bathroom when I heard the knock on the door. I waited to see if Derek would answer the door but when it was met with silence, I decided he must've stepped out so I made my way cautiously to the front door to see who my visitor was.

As I opened the door, I stepped back in shock at the sight of Alan Coldstone leaning against the doorjamb. He had a dozen yellow roses in his hand and a huge, cuddly panda in his other hand. I gasp in surprise and ask, "What is all this Alan?"

Alan shuffles his feet nervously and his gaze darts inside as he asks, "Can I come in?"

I blush as I realize how rude I was being, I step back and allow him entry all the while apologizing for my lack of manners, "I apologize Alan. I was just startled to see you here. So come in, sit down, and tell me what all this is about."

Alan hands me the yellow roses and kisses me gently on the cheek and then motions to the panda that is currently resting comfortably against my closet door and says, "This is for Dominic. I didn't know a better way to apologize to both of you for what happened two days ago."

I close the door behind him and motion for him to take a seat at the couch but he remains behind with me to help escort me to the couch and as we both sit down, I turn to him and say honestly, "I don't blame you Alan. That would be like blaming you for the rain in Seattle. People get robbed, while it might not happen on a first date when your date is eight months pregnant it does happen. Don't worry."

Alan sighed softly and looked in my eyes, "But I do, worry that is Addison. You are in a state that requires at the very least emotional tranquility and our date was anything but and after the way that Derek…."

I interrupt him, I have a feeling where this conversation is going, and I want to cut it off at the pass, "I apologize on Derek's behalf if he was anything less than hospitable to you. It was a stressful time for him and I beg for your forgiveness. I told Derek how grateful we should be to you since you protected my child and me with your body. Not every 'first date' would do that, but Derek just went off."

Alan shrugged as he reached for my hand and I let him have it, I didn't feel the tingle that I usually felt when I was with Derek but then what did I expect? I had been with Derek for most of my life and I was just barely getting to know this man, "Addison, I will be truthful with you. Derek warned me that he didn't want me around you. He said that he was in love with you and wanted both of you, you, and his son. I kept my distance away from both of you out of respect to him, but when I heard that you had come back home, I wanted to see for myself how you were doing. It was one date, and I'm acting like…"

I lean forward at his rambling and kiss him; I kiss him softly on the lips. He catches my mouth in a soft, sweet kiss and I sigh in contentment. He pulls back and I look at his hazy, brown, eyes full of desire and I feel a stirring in my stomach. Could I actually be feeling desire for another man that wasn't Derek? Was I finally moving on?

Alan smiled at me softly and said, "That has to be the best shut-up kiss, I've ever had. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know that there was a possibility that all was not lost."

I smile as I stare at him and say, "I love my ex-husband Alan and I won't lie to you because it's been done to me and it stinks. I don't know if I will ever stop loving Derek but I wanted you to know that if we are going to try for a relationship it won't be easy. Not to mention that I'm still in love with the man, I'm pregnant with his child. A child that he does want and me, who he claims that he does want but I'm not sure of his sentiments and the truth in those words. I still think that he was worried when my life was in danger and that he came close to losing both of us so he's declaring his love out of fear."

I hope what I've just confessed to Alan doesn't run him off but I have to be honest. After having to move to Seattle on the assumption that my husband wanted to try again, I was dragged around through the rumor mills, and the mud by my ex-husband who had pretended to want to try again only to find out it was more of an obligation than love. I want him to understand but he stops me with a finger on my lip and says, "You don't have to say anything else Addison. I've never met a woman like you, a straight-forward woman who's not afraid to tell the truth even if it hurts."

I laugh softly and say, "Then you've never met my friend Miranda have you?"  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

After Alan left, I had paced around the apartment wondering if I had made the right decision in agreeing to another date. It was obvious that it wouldn't be anytime soon but it was still tentative. I can't believe that I'm seriously considering moving on without you. It frightens and thrills me at the same time. I had just settled myself on the couch in the living room when I hear the door open.

I look up as Derek enters the apartment and a soft, smile touches my lips and I greet him warmly, "Hey there you are. I thought I was going to have to send out the guards for you."

He smiles at me happily and I then see that he's loaded down with plastic bags. I start to rise to help him when I hear a growl and it makes me jump back. I turn and look at him who is now sporting a scowl on his face, "What do you think you're doing?"

I lean back and roll my eyes, "Fine Derek, you can play you're the man and I'm the feeble woman game. I'll just sit back here and let you wait on me hand and foot." I watch as a brilliant grin crosses his face, I roll my eyes and sit back in exasperation.

It's not even five minutes before I'm presented with a glass of juice as he sits down in front of me and says, "Dinner will be ready in a few."

I nod gratefully and sip my juice as I watch him over the rim of my glass and clear my throat, "How was work?"

I notice him grimace and say, "I'm sorry. I didn't plan to have to leave but I was being paged for an emergency surgery and it was one that the other neurosurgeon didn't feel comfortable handling."

I smile and say, "That's why you're the best. Don't worry about it; I know you have your own job. I was fine on my own. I looked at some websites for ideas for the furniture in Dominic's room and took a nap." I purposefully neglect to mention my visitor because I'm cautious of his reaction. I know that he had said that he wanted to try again and while I'm trying to respect his wishes, I also know that the trust between us is gone and since trust is such an essential part of a relationship I don't want to go down that path until I was absolutely sure of his feelings.

I'm lost in my own thoughts and look up to see that he is staring at me openly with a question in his eyes, "What's on your mind Addi?"

I shake my head to clear myself of the disquieting thoughts and say, "Dinner, dinner is on my mind. What is there to eat? Domi and I are starving."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

As I looked across the table at him, I felt a smile brush my lips as I realize that he has been staring at me avidly for the last ten minutes.

"What's with you Shepherd?"

I watch as he leans back in his chair with a smile and a shake of his head, "I was just noticing how nice my life has become all of a sudden. I'm about to become a father and it's with you, something I never thought would happen and I'm happy. It's a feeling, I'm not used to but its one that I'm glad exists."

I feel my heart start beating abnormally as I reach for the glass of water in front of me and I blurt out the secret I had been hiding, "Alan came by to see me this afternoon."

I place my glass down without meeting his eyes; I didn't want to see the disappointment or the anger that resided there. I was shocked when I looked up and saw him grinning at me in disbelief, "Addison, I had a feeling that you had a visitor when I saw the two glasses in the sink. I was just waiting for you to tell me on your own. So what did Coldstone want?"

I shake my head in disbelief and I look into his eyes wanting to see his reaction, "Me. He wants me Derek. He wants to date me."

The smile never leaves his eyes as he shakes his head at me, "He is persistent I have to give him that. I just hope he realizes he's fighting a losing battle."

I gasp as I stand up in shock, "What do you mean a losing battle?"

I sit back down as the weight of my belly keeps me from making more of a statement. He sighs and shakes his head, "Addison, you love me. You are scared now and I get that but I want you to understand that I'm not giving up on us. You can go out on dates with Coldstone, he can hold your hand across the table and even give you a kiss goodnight but it won't be the same and you know it."

I hear the truth in his words but refuse to rise to the bait, I was trying to live my life without him and I would be damned if he snubbed my attempt to move on. "I want to try with Alan. I want to be happy with someone who loves me for everything I am, with all of my defects and all of the knowledge up front."

I stand up and start walking towards my bedroom as he clears his throat from behind me, "Addison, I'm not saying you don't deserve to be loved like that. I know that you deserve to be loved like that; I want to be the man that loves you like that. I want to be the man that makes your eyes light up, I want to be the one by your side when our son takes his first step and I want all of those things with you."

I shake my head in negation; I didn't want to listen to what my heart was saying. My heart was a traitor and it wanted him, my brain however was functioning at the moment, "You had that chance Derek. I loved you so much, I built my life around you until I didn't know where you ended and I began and you know what happened? I lost myself when you let down your part of the bargain, the love, the trust and the need that I had for you continued to go unfulfilled and I made the worst mistake of my life. I turned to your best friend to get you to see me; I just wanted you to see me, even if it was in a negative manner. Don't you understand? I was so desperate for your attention that I did anything to make you understand that I needed you. You weren't there and now Alan wants to be and I want to try. I want to try to be happy."

I feel exhausted after my discourse and I shuffle into the bedroom and close the door behind me as I fall to the bed in tears.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
I had just about closed my eyes for the night when I heard my door open and I looked up. I shake my head when I saw him in the doorway. He enters the room and close the door behind him and shuffle over to me and takes the other side of the bed and gets in. I'm too shocked to even speak so I allow him this concession.

I turn over until I'm lying on my back as I wait for him to speak. I know I left him open mouthed after dinner but I didn't want to fight anymore, I don't want to fight now so I wait on bated breath for his next words.

"I never let you know how sorry I was for everything I put you through during our marriage. Marriage takes two and I never really owned up to my own faults in our marriage. Maybe it was just easier to blame everything on your affair with Mark, maybe it was easier to cut my losses and not look at my own defects but whatever it was I let you down and I'm sorry for that."

I feel the tears brim at my eyelids as I nod and he reaches for my hand. I grip it tightly and I wait. Is that it? Was our conversation over? My question was answered, "I know that you feel that you need to date Alan Coldstone to see if you could be happy with someone who isn't me. If you want me to back off, I'll back off but I need you to know that I love you. I love you and I want you and my son, the whole package. Don't try to rationalize in your mind that it's only about Domi, I love my son but I could have joint custody of our son and still not be with you but I want the whole package. I want you, me, Dominic and any other children that we have, I want it with you and I'm willing to wait. You've waited on me for the majority of this relationship and it's my turn to wait for you."

I'm weeping now as I hear the sincerity in his voice but my brain keeps whispering in my ear to not believe so I let it go. I'm helpless to speak because it would mean that I was giving voice to his thoughts.

He sighs and I yearn to be with him and I don't deny myself the chance. I lean down and place my head on his shoulder. I exhale softly as his arms come around me and I feel safe. I feel a safety I know that I can't get anywhere else no matter how many Alan Coldstones there are in the world.

* * *

So my poor Addie's hormones are all over the place but she knows that she loves McDouchey (friends over at FF gave me the idea for that wonderful name) but she's scared and after everything can we really blame her? But I will pull them back together in the end, I promise. Also, next two chapters are low on the angst and high on the love, the Addek love! 


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Per someone's request, we get gasphappyAddekgasp! in this chapter! There is about 2  
more chapters left and then an epilogue. OH yea!, there's a surprise for my loyal fans, something we've been waiting for!

**Chapter 11**

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I was going stir-crazy. I had been in seclusion for two weeks, only leaving when I had an appointment at the hospital with my obstetrician and then I was swept back to the apartment. I had plenty of time to rest while I pondered over everything that Derek had told me that night almost two weeks ago. Two weeks since he made it a nightly ritual to crawl into my bed and cradle me in his arms. He hadn't professed his love for me and I wasn't even expecting it. I didn't need him to confess his love for me because he did it every day, in every action, every word, and every gesture that he gave me.

_Flashback _

Derek had entered my bedroom every night for the last couple of days, and I was beside myself with anxiety on when we were going to get into another fight or end up making love in the middle of my bed. He stopped at the edge of my bed as he stared down at me and slid into the bed next to me and sighed in exhaustion.

_I turned over and faced him as I watched the stress of the day create worry lines in his face. I touched his face softly and then chided myself for the impulse and went back to pull my hand back when he prevented my motion by holding my hand against his face as he sighed again but this time I think its in relief because I'm not holding back on offering him comfort that he so desperately needed. _

I looked at him and at the sadness in his face, can't help, but ask him the problem so I speak softly, "Derek, what's wrong?"

_Derek shook his head as he stared into my eyes and began to speak with a sigh in his voice and said, "I had a cancer patient, a little boy who was not even ten and he has a malignant tumor on his brain and I'm helpless to assist because of the location of the tumor. His parents came because they wanted me to give them some hope. I couldn't I can't and I was watching the parents trying to comfort themselves and each other I thought of you and Domi. If something happened to either one of you…." _

_I curl my hand around his cheek as I start to realize the problem. Derek had always been affected by the problems of his patients and especially when it was pediatric patients that had grim diagnoses. He starts to cry softly as I pull him into my arms and I lean my head on his chest offering up comfort by my presence, "Addison, you and Dominic mean so much to me and I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you one day. Don't let me lose you or Dominic, please." _

_I pulled back and kissed his cheek softly refusing to respond to his request because it would let him know the inner workings of my heart and I wasn't ready to open that up to him again. I laid my head on his chest as his arms came around my waist or what was left of it as he fell asleep with me cradled in his arms. _

End of Flashback

I was loved by Derek Shepherd again. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time. I wanted to run into his arms and hold on for dear life but I knew that I didn't have that luxury not until I was assured that it wouldn't end up with my heart being spliced open on a platter while he found another woman who took over his time and attention.

_Flashback Two Nights Prior _

I crept out of bed hoping for a little privacy as I had my own personal pity party. It was the damn hormones that had been plaguing me during my pregnancy. I walked into the living room with my hand cradling the ache in my lower back as I created a pallet for myself in the middle of the couch. I headed into the kitchen and scoured the refrigerator and freezer for sustenance. After settling on leftover spaghetti, I rummaged through the refrigerator for salad dressing and after heating up my dish I head towards the sofa with my box of soft tissues .I was crying at the drop of a hat these days so I always carried a box of tissues with me in case I was caught off guard.

_I held the bowl of spaghetti in my lap as I opened the bottle of bleu cheese salad dressing and dumped the majority over my spaghetti and then stirred the concoction together as I began to twirl my pasta on the for. After I had completed my preparation, I started eating my concoction and in between gulping bites and sporadic tears at the commercials on television I became content sitting in the middle of my Italian leather sofa with myself. _

_I was halfway through my bowl of spaghetti when I noticed that the lights in the living room had suddenly flickered on, I looked up at met Derek's eyes that were full of confusion. He walked over to the sofa and peered into my bowl and screwed up his face as he asked, "What the hell is that Addison?" _

_I rolled my eyes as I showed him my latest concoction with pride, "This is leftover meat sauce and spaghetti with bleu cheese salad dressing. Do you want to try?" _

_I looked up at him with hope in my eyes and knew that even though he found the combination disgusting he wouldn't tell me, he had become extremely sensitive to my feelings and since he knew that I was prone to cry at the drop of a hat he tried not to say anything to upset me. He reached for the bowl as he grabbed a forkful and stuck it into his mouth before screwing up his face as he swallowed it down with a grimace, "That's interesting, so you want to tell me why you are up Addison? I went to the bathroom and noticed you weren't asleep in the bed besides me and I started to get worried." _

_I shrugged as I flipped through the channels on the television and said, "Domi and I couldn't sleep so I came out for something to eat and then started to watch television. There's supposed to be an old movie coming on and since I was already up, I decided I wanted to see it." _

_Derek sighed as he plopped down on the couch next to me and laid his body out and put his feet under the covers and requested, "Hand me the remote." _

_I was guarding the remote fiercely ever since Derek had moved in with me. He had personified the role of male must have remote and I wasn't ready to let him have this concession as I looked at him in shock, "Why? You have to go to work in the morning, I don't. I didn't want to bother you, so just go back to sleep in my bed. As you can see, I didn't leave in the middle of the night, I'm okay." _

_Derek rolled his eyes as he pitched forward and swiped the remote out of my hand as he started flipping through the channels. He stopped after flipping through all 300 of the cable channels and settled back on the channel it had initially been on where my movie was already starting. He leaned forward and set my empty spaghetti bowl on the floor as he pulled me on my side as he faced me towards the television and started massaging my lower back as if he magically knew where the ache in my back was. I sighed in contentment as I curled up into his arms and he draped the covers over the both of us and leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to my cheek before whispering. "I don't sleep without you, so just relax and go to sleep. I'll be here." _

_End of Flashback_

Alan had also been a pillar of strength for me while I was holed up in the apartment waiting to be able to return to work. He came over every other day and had lunch with me and we would laugh, cry and talk about everything. I felt a sense of ease when I was with him. I kissed him twice but neither kiss arose any emotions in me other than friendship. I had tried to feel something but I was starting to feel like it was useless.

I heard the knock on the door and I sighed in disgust, I hoped it wasn't anymore door-to-door salesman because I was tired of saying that I wasn't interested. I opened the door and was surprised when I was greeted with my girlfriend's faces plus someone else. Someone who I wasn't expecting.

I stepped back and allowed, Callie, Miranda and Izzie Stevens entrance into my apartment. I closed the door behind me and said, "This is a surprise, it's the middle of the day, what's going on?"

My friends crowded into my apartment and Callie spoke for the group and said, "We thought you could use a little distraction, so we are here to provide you with the best kind. A road trip."

I step back and look at Miranda in question, who must've been reading my mind because she answered, "Your latest blood work looks good, this is only a short trip anyway so go get ready."

I feel my spirits rise as I rush into my bedroom and throw on a pair of loose, green sweats and pull my hair back into a ponytail. I rush out of my bedroom with my purse throw over my shoulder and I head for the door when Izzie shakes her head in laughter at how quickly I've changed and produces a black, blindfold from behind her back. I glare at her and then at Callie and Miranda, "What is this you guys?"

Miranda scowled and swiped the blindfold out of Izzie's hands and pulled me to her side, "Shut up and be quiet. We are taking you out."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I had been in the car for about fifteen minutes chatting about the events of the day, latest gossip mill news and Dominic in general. It was a refreshing change from hearing myself talk as I worked on my laptop at the apartment by myself or when Derek was there and we would talk about his latest brain surgery. It was nice to be in the company of my girlfriends, with the exception that I still had a blindfold tied over my eyes preventing from knowing my final destination. I didn't understand why it was so important that I be kept in the dark about where we were going so I decided to ask, "Okay ladies, why do I have a blindfold on? What is the deal?"

Callie who had sat beside me in the backseat, patted me on the knee and said, "We are almost there Addison, don't be so impatient."

I lean back and shake my head. My girls are crazy.

Fifteen minutes later, I hear the car suddenly come to a stop and I sigh in relief. I didn't know how much longer I would be able to go before I started whining for a potty break. Miranda cleared her throat and said, "We are here Addison."

I reach for my blindfold but Callie slaps my hand, I scowl in pain, "Why did you do that? All you had to say was not now Addison."

Callie giggled from beside me, "Sorry. Not now Addison. You have to be patient; the element of surprise will make the payoff that much sweeter."

I nod as I'm helped out of the car by Miranda and Callie. Izzie, I noticed had been remarkably silent during the whole road trip and I was curious as to the reason. I turn to the direction, I envision Izzie to be and I say, "Izzie, what's wrong? You've been pretty quiet."

I don't hear anything for a moment and then I start to hear the gentle sounds of someone weeping. I reach for my blindfold and expect to feel a hit on my hand but nothing comes. I remove the blindfold and gasp in shock and disbelief. I reach onto the car for support as I stare at the building that we are standing in front of, 'Denny Duqette Memorial Clinic'.

I'm a hormonal fool and I feel the tears rise in my eyes equaling the ones rolling down Izzie's face. I turn to Miranda and Izzie with a smile, "This is wonderful you guys. I didn't know that it was this close to completion."

The building was a three-story complex with an emergency center, waterfall in the front and an inviting garden in the front. I turn to Callie who is trying to pretend that she's not touched even though I see her swiping away tears. I take her hand and walk over to where Miranda is comforting Callie and I say to Izzie, "So who wants to give me a grand tour of this facility?"  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
I was on a roll as we strolled through the complex and Izzie proudly displayed all of the latest machinery and equipment that currently resided in the new building. We came to the Gynecological Wing and I start gasping in amazement as I look at all of the advanced technology that is currently in the place.

I turn to Izzie and Miranda, "So where's my office?"

Izzie smiles as she takes my hand and said, "I thought you would never ask." She takes me down the hall to the office at the end of the hall which says 'Chief of Gynecology and Obstetrics'. I stop and turn to her in surprise, "What's this Izzie?"

Izzie puts her arms around my shoulders, "If you let me, I want this to be your office when you come to volunteer here. I want you to occupy this office and this building so when girls who don't have enough money to come see you at Seattle Grace still have a chance at having the best in the field."

I feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I turn and embrace the young girl who I had always hoped would want to learn my profession but who had now become one of my dearest friends. I pull back and I wipe the tears that are falling down from her face, "Of course this will be my office but it's only transitional because one day this will be your chair. When I get back from maternity leave, you can become my intern again and learn everything by my side and then take this office when you are ready. You have a good heart Izzie, and a wonderful bedside manner. You will be one of the best and I want you to get that."

Izzie starts to cry and rolls her eyes but I shake my head. I had to get her to understand that she was talented, even if she didn't believe anything else that ever came out of my mouth, "Izzie Stevens, you are one of the best. Don't let heartbreak stop you from reaching your full potential. You are as gifted as an intern as any I've met, you just got off course for a moment but you are back and you will become a good doctor. I believe that just as much as I believe Dominic is pressing down on my bladder demanding attention. Sorry to interrupt my pep talk, but where's the bathroom in this place?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I shuffled back into the apartment with a full heart and fortunately an empty bladder. I looked up when Derek cleared his throat in frustration at me. He gestures to his watch as I close the door behind me. I set my purse down and wander into the kitchen. It seemed that when I emptied my bladder, I also emptied my stomach and I was starving. I start poking in the refrigerator when I hear him come up behind me. I refuse to stiffen but continue to peruse the refrigerator looking for sustenance, and after locating some edible leftovers I set the container in the microwave and turn to Derek who's scowling at me openly.

I'm not really in the mood for another fight so I try to play dumb, "What?"

I watch as he launches into a tirade, "What? That's all you can say to me? I've been waiting here for two hours with no communication from you; I finally broke down and called Alan. Do you know how desperate I had to be to call your boyfriend?"

I giggle as I hear the tirade and realize that maybe laughing in the face of his emotional outburst, laughing was probably the wrong emotion to emit. Derek growls at me, "You laugh?"

I press the button on the microwave and say, "Derek, I have a cell phone. The whole time, I was gone you never picked up the phone. You have my number, it's Speed Dial 1 on your phone remember? If you called me then I would've picked up."

I shake my head at him as he stalks out of the room and appears ten seconds later with my purse in tow. I stare at him suspiciously and he motions for me to take the bag which I do and reach in and pull out my cell phone which is off. I grimace as I realize that I hadn't charged the battery before I left, "Derek, I'm sorry. I had no idea that the battery was gone. I didn't mean to make you worry."

I hope that my apology comes off as sincere because I truly hadn't meant to make him worry but the fact that I hadn't charged my phone couldn't be helped. I pulled the container out of the microwave and turn to head to the table when Derek is standing by the microwave with his arms still crossed. I look at him in confusion, "I said I was sorry Derek."

He's staring at me so intently that I start to fidget and feel uncomfortable, "Derek, what's wrong?"

I don't like the look in his eyes; it was like he was plotting something against me. He leans against the counter and says, "I think I deserve a hug for all the worry that you put me through."

I sigh in relief, I had worried that he was going to demand that I start taking a pager or letting him know of my movements before I left the house. I put down the container and lean forward and embrace him softly in my arms and sigh in contentment when his arms come around my waist. He kisses me on the cheek as he pulls back and says, "I was worried Addison." I squeeze my arms around his neck in apology and then I start to feel the heat of him close to me. I don't want to admit that even being this close to him is torture. One of the things that I had been fighting, rather valiantly was the fact that my hormones had spiked and I was horny. I had become unbelievably horny during my pregnancy but fortunately I had been able to suppress those urges and focus on another task which is why I was so desperate to return to the work of eating.

I had let my mind wander about my hormones when I feel his lips press against mine softly. I start to pull back but his hands move quickly from my waist to around my face as he pulls my face closer to his and deepens the kiss. I'm helpless to do anything but kiss him back as I revel of the feeling of being back in his arms.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Two Hours Later

I had just made love to Derek Shepherd for the first time since I discovered I was pregnant. I was in shock as I lay in my bed with Derek snoozing by my side. I had made a solemn vow that I would not jump my ex-husband's bones no matter how tempting it seemed even when he was in my presence looking his regular 'McDreamy' self. I scowled to myself as I realized that I had broken yet another one of my self vows and I turned on my side.

"Stop it."

I was shocked to hear him speak from my side so I turned over and faced Derek who was looking at me with one eyebrow raised while the rest of his face was still hidden by the pillow, "You're feeling guilty when there's no reason to Addison. You and I love each other and we just made love, there's nothing out of the ordinary, there's nothing you need to overanalyze just go to sleep."

I open my mouth in protest when he puts a finger over my lips, "Addison, I love you, I'm in love with you and I just made love to you. If you hadn't worn me out for the fifth time, I would show you again but you did wear me out. I need to talk to Miranda in the morning about the libidos pregnant women have because if that's how you get affected by pregnancy I may keep you pregnant for the rest of our lives. I'm exhausted; you _should_ be exhausted so let's go to sleep. In the morning, we can discuss the reasons why you think this was a bad idea but for now, let it rest Addison."

I was tempted to huff out of the bed in anger but I knew that the words that he was speaking had some validity to them. I did tend to over think and I could possibly be overanalyzing what had just occurred. I sighed in exasperation that he was probably right and I turned over on my back to try to get some sleep.

As soon as I had my eyes closed and I was about to fall asleep I heard a rustling next to me and I cracked an eye open ready to tell Derek off when I notice that he was sitting up and trying to move me from my position. I looked at him through a tired eye, "What are you trying to do Derek?"

I was rewarded for my inquiry with a brilliant smile as he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine, "I told you that I can't sleep unless you're in my arms, so turn around."

I glare at him for a second trying to determine if he's trying to butter me up or if he's just being sincere. I decide to believe the best out of him and I turn over and within moments, I'm cradled in Derek's arms with his hand cradled protectively over my stomach. He kissed me on the cheek, " Addison, I love you."

I want to protest but I can't, the way that we had made love tonight showed otherwise. All of his actions from the past couple of weeks showed that I was still an important person in his life. I couldn't lie so I responded in kind, "I love you too Derek."

* * *

So I totally needed some pregnant squee, I hope it wasn't too over the top and see as promised, they are happy! Thoughts, please. 


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Second to the last chapter and I must admit this is my favorite story of all the ones, I've written. I think I was  
personally tickled that I was able to pull back and Addison/Derek reunion from the crap the writers have subjected  
us to lately.

About the length in updating, have you ever finished up a story but started another one? That's what happened here,  
I currently am writing another GA's story that I came up with one night in a dream, I know its scary but its true and I  
forgot to keep you guys updated on the one that's already completed! So sorry, you'll see another story coming soon  
though, fingers crossed! Thanks as always for your wonderful replies, they fuel me to write better!

**Chapter 12**

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I had gone through the rest of the weekend blissfully in Derek's arms. In between making love, we ate and searched for furniture for Dominic's bedroom. I couldn't remember feeling more complete and content or guilty and treacherous. I know that I had promised Alan that we would try another date but after spending the days in Derek's arms, I knew that it was a losing battle. The love I had for that man wasn't going anywhere and I had to accept it. I couldn't lead anyone on. I needed to be honest with Alan even if doing so would hurt me and him.

It was the following Monday that I was finally able to return to work. I had tossed and turned all Sunday night thinking about my new sexual relationship with the father of my child and my ex-husband and my platonic slowly blossoming relationship with Alan, a wonderful man. Alan was a wonderful man, who I knew that I didn't love who I knew that even if one day I did grow to love him, it would never be with the same intensity and fulfillment that I got from loving Derek. I woke up Monday morning determined to set things right in my romantic life.

As I was pondering over the state of that very notion, I was shocked when Derek came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me as he gazed at our reflection in the mirror. I smiled when he pressed a kiss to my bare shoulder and sighed as he kissed my cheek, "I love you Addison."

I didn't hesitate in replying, "I love you too Derek."

I watched in fascination in the mirror as Derek's eyes darkened with desire as he shook his head after glancing at the wall clock behind us and said, "We are going to be late if you keep looking at me like that."

I'm tempted to say I don't care but I know that it's an impossible dream, I was needed back at work, and Derek had already been paged three times since awakening this morning. I sighed as I asked him for help, "Derek, could you please help your extremely pregnant whatever I am zip up her dress and put on her jewelry so we can get to work at a reasonable time?"

Derek stopped as he turned around and looked at me in shock and shook his head in disbelief at my words as he stepped forward and reached for the zipper at the bottom of my dress. I was about to start tapping my foot impatiently when I notice that Derek hand was hovering over the zipper. I met his eyes in the mirror as he said, "Wife. I want you to be my wife again Addison. I know I said I wouldn't push you for the words or the commitment but I want you to know that I'm more determined now than ever that you will be my wife and my family again."

I feel the tears swell in my eyes but I struggle to not let them fall at the assertion in his voice. I nod as I reach for my purse and coat. After struggling with both for about five minutes, I successfully pulled the coat onto my shoulders and stopped in the living room where Derek was waiting patiently at the door. He held out his hand to me and I stare at it for a moment as I pondered what realization I had come to, this was the man that I wanted. No more lies, no more games just honest love.

I stepped forward and grasped his hand with all of my might as we headed off to work together, as a family.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

As we stepped into Seattle Grace, hand in hand I was assured of my decision to break things off with Alan. I loved Derek; it was as plain as mud. I knew that the road back to each other wouldn't be easy and that there were still a lot of issues that we needed to discuss, but the most basic of all those issues was already handled, love. We loved each other and we would work together to make our family work.

I faltered slightly in my decision when I saw Meredith Grey walking past us with a evil glare but I was reassured when Derek squeezed my hand as we walked past ignoring her presence altogether.

He heard a buzz as he checked his pager and shook his head, "I wanted to walk you to your floor but that's one of my patients…Why don't we get together for lunch?"

I shook my head, knowing I needed to find Alan and come clean before I hurt him anymore than I should and said, "I'll see you at dinner, how does that sound?"

Derek stopped as he looked at me and asked questioningly, "Addie?"

I knew he was concerned that I was backing out of the relationship that we had forged over the weekend so I decided to put his mind at ease. I knew I was boldly making a step towards our reconciliation but I knew that it was necessary, "I want to talk to Alan and tell him that while we have been having a great time that I'm still in love with my ex-husband and I want to be his wife again."

I watched as Derek's eyes filled to the brim with tears as he pulled me into his arms or what was left of me into his arms and kissed me passionately in the middle of Seattle Grace's hallway, "Thank you Addison. Even after everything, you didn't have to give me this chance but you did and I'm so happy and grateful. I promise, I won't let you down. I love you and I'm in this forever."

I nodded believing in his words as I now allowed myself to believe in his love as I pressed another kiss against his lips and said, "I know you won't Derek. We know what's at stake this time, our family. All of our family."

I reached for his hands and placed them over my belly as Dominic kicked against Derek's hand in agreement with my statement.

I watched as Derek's eyes flickered with happiness and desire as he leaned forward to press another kiss against my lips when his pager went off again. He sighed and I knew he wanted to spend more time with me assuring me of his happiness with my decision but we were at work and were needed so I said, "Don't worry about it; we'll have plenty of time later."

Derek smiled as he pulled back and said, "Keep talking like that and you will guarantee that Dominic won't be an only child."

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I had decided in my mind to push off actually telling Alan until we went out to lunch or dinner but I was unlucky on that count as I was greeted by Alan when I entered Seattle Grace's neonatal ward. He pressed a dozen, pink roses in my hand and brushed a light kiss over my lips. I still didn't feel anything and I felt firm in my decision to tell Alan the truth. I needed to be honest.

I smiled up at him and spoke, "How have you been Alan? I got your messages this weekend, but I was tied up."

He nodded at me understandingly and I felt even worse, "Addison, what do you say we have lunch? Would that work for you?"

I shrugged, "Sure, why not? That would be great; I'll meet you at the cafeteria at noon give or take fifteen minutes. These days I always ask for a fifteen minute courtesy window of time so that I'm able to get to my destination in a timely manner."

He laughs at what appears to be a joke of mine. If he only knew that it was something that I firmly believed in, pregnant women should have a courtesy window of no less than fifteen minutes to arrive at any destination since they were traveling with two people. "Noon, it is Addison. I look forward to our lunch."

I nod and wish I could respond in kind but I know that what I'm about to say at lunch will leave us on bad terms which I hope we can ratify over time.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When lunchtime came, I realized I wasn't prepared. Not for lunch or the fact that I was about to break the heart of a man that I had come to care about. I walked into the cafeteria and spotted him sitting at a table I guess he had reserved for us. I knew that I was firm in my decision because I was going to trust Derek and I was going to believe in the family that we were going to create together and in order to do that, I had to let go of the relationship with Alan otherwise ours was never going to work.

I walked up to the table and cleared my throat softly, "You should feel fortunate Dr. Coldstone, I'm only five minutes late."

He stands up and presses a kiss to my cheek as he holds out the chair for me and I sit down and say, "So what are we eating?" He pulls a bag out of the seat next to me and I smile in wonder, "What did you do?"

He blushes as he opens the paper sack and pulls out the containers and hands me one. I open my and smile in glee, "You got me my favorite. Where did you find this turkey and Swiss sandwich?"

He rolls his eyes as he opens his own meatball sandwich and says, " Addison is it really important? Just know that it comes highly recommended from some of the doctors on this staff and has been featured in the Seattle Times three years in a row for best sandwiches."

I smile in gratitude and pick up my sandwich and bite down and start to moan in delight. I stop when I realize that I've suddenly become the focus of the table next to us and I put down the sandwich as I feel a blush come over my face, "I'm sorry Alan. I've been having a taste for a sandwich this good for months. You've satisfied my appetite."

He stretches his hand to me from across the table and says, "I want to satisfy more than just your appetite for food Addison. I want to be someone in your life and that of Dominic's if you let me."

I feel my stomach drop out as I say, "Alan, we need to talk."

I look at the disappointed glance and know instantly that I'm about to hurt him with my words that crosses your face, "I get it. It's not you, it's me speech right?"

I shake my head as I feel the tears start to well up in my eyes, "Alan, I would give anything in this world to not be hurting you but the truth of the matter is, I never stopped loving Derek. I don't think I know how and over the weekend I realized I didn't want to learn how. I liked being in love with Derek and I wanted to stay that way for the rest of my life, I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

Alan sighs as he puts down his sandwich and squeezes my hand from across the table and says, "I know you don't mean to hurt me Addison and to tell you the truth I'm just happy I've had this long. I knew that when you told me that you still loved Derek it was a feeling that you weren't going to be able to forget, he's an important person in your life, he's the father of your child and he's been your partner for the majority of your life. It's not something you can forget overnight and I see that you don't want to."

I feel the tears start to spill from my cheeks as he speaks. I hate how understanding he's being and forgiving, "I'm so sorry Alan."

He hands me a tissue and says, "I know Addison. I don't hold it against you; you were honest with me from the start. Let's stop all the crying and focus on the fact that if nothing else, I have gained a good friend here at Seattle Grace."

I dab at the tears and nod enthusiastically, "Of course you have a friend here. You will always have a friend in me, Alan."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I felt better after the talk with Alan and ensuring that we would remain friends. I had stayed behind to finish up my sandwich when he received a page. I had just started to put all my items in the trash when I saw Derek leaning against the wall outside the cafeteria, I started towards him with a grin, but I saw Meredith coming his way and felt my heart fall out of my stomach when she greeted him with a full lipped kiss.

I couldn't stop the gasp of pain that escaped from my mouth. I saw Derek jerk back, and I don't recognize if it's in shock or anger but I can't focus on that now. All I can hear is the sound of my heart breaking as I reach for the wall to try to escape the image that was embedded in my brain.

"Addison. Addison! Addison."

Was that my name? Is that what he was saying? That I should respond? I couldn't feel, my heart was too hurt for me to acknowledge anything other than its own pain. I rubbed my hand over my stomach as I stumbled away from the cafeteria. I felt his arms come around my shoulders as he starts to speak, "Addison, we have to talk, it's not what you think. Addison."

My eyes are spewing out tears and I can't focus on anything other than the pain in my heart. I can't focus on anything as I jerked out of his arms and spat out my anger, "Don't touch me Derek. How could you? How could you do this to me?"

I turn to Meredith who's leaning against the wall with a smile of satisfaction that I refuse to acknowledge, I looked back at Derek and said, "I can't…I," I want to speak and tell him that I can't do this anymore, that I can't hurt like this anymore but the words won't come out. All I have in me to say is, "How could you do this to me Derek?"

I feel the back of the wall support as my legs can no longer hold up my weight as I feel myself go limp and I start sliding down the wall. Derek is by my side instantly as he tries to prop me up, "Addison, she kissed me. I didn't expect it, I didn't want it, I don't want the kiss or her, please Addison."

I'm too lost in my own pain to even process the words, if I had I would've heard how much he loved me. Enough to proclaim to the whole cafeteria that Meredith Grey was nothing more than a memory, that the love that you and I shared was greater than any you had ever felt. My last conscious thought was that it hurt too much to breathe and I wanted to stop breathing because it hurt too much.

* * *

So this was the next to the last chapter and you might wonder what the heck I'm doing, don't worry our beloved couple will be together in  
the end. Thoughts please! 


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Sniff, sniff. Last chapter but I wrote an epilogue because I wanted some happy Addek to end on so let me know your thoughts on this chapter. I also want to thank you guys for the amazing replies, I've received on this story. There's something so upbuilding about knowing people actually enjoy reading/replying to your rambles no matter what they may be. Also, this is the last chapter but an epilogue is coming but you'll have to wait as I'm off to a wedding where I'll be a 'bridesmaid' joy right? Wrong, I'm completely nervous so I might need a couple of weeks to recover, so be patient while I review the epilogue! Thanks:)

**Chapter 13**

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When I came to, I jerked up in shock but realize that I'm too weak to move and that I have an IV taped to my arm. I close my eyes as a new set of tears spring out and I look down and notice that my belly which had been considerably prominent earlier in the day was now gone. Dominic! Where was my son? I felt myself start to scream for assistance and was shocked when Miranda came rushing in with Izzie on her heels.

Miranda was the first to reach my side and she put a calming hand on my shoulder as she laid me back on the bed and spoke quietly, "Calm down Addison. Everything's fine, you went into early labor from what you witnessed at the cafeteria, Dominic is resting fine. He was 5lb 6oz and scored a solid 7 on the APG charts." I'm grateful that Miranda is speaking to me in doctor's terms because I felt the breathe release from my body as I exhale in relief. At least my son was okay and from the stats that Miranda had given he was going to remain that way.

I look up at Miranda and said, "What happened? Was there any complications from the surgery?"

Miranda shook her head, "With the exception that I was peacefully enjoying my Chicken Caesar salad when I received a page from Richard stating that you were being rushed into emergency surgery. Don't ever scare me like that Addison, you took ten years off everyone's life here. Not to mention that ex-husband of yours, I thought I was going to have to sedate him. He was so worried about you."

I notice Izzie fidgeting by her side and I know that she must know. I didn't want to see the look of pity in her eyes and I said, "It's okay, I saw. How long have they been back together?"

Miranda looks at me in confusion and said, "What the hell are you talking about Montgomery?"

Izzie cleared her throat and said, "Addison, Derek had to be restrained by Mark and Richard. Meredith was trying to be vindictive because she had a fight with her boyfriend and she wanted to lash out, Derek didn't know what was happening. I can't believe I'm sticking up for him but he's innocent Addison."

I close my eyes as the tears roll down my cheeks and I shake my head. I can't focus on her words, the only thing I can focus on is that fact my son was finally here and I hadn't seen him yet.

Miranda must've been reading my mind because she pressed the button by my bed and said, "Would you please bring in baby Shepherd to room 314 please?"

I smile at her in gratitude and she says, "Derek's outside, I'll try to stall him so you can have a moment with Dominic."

I can't speak for fear that I'll launch into another set of tears as I nod in appreciation. Izzie squeezes my hand as she and Miranda exit and my son is brought to my side.  
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I was in love for the second time in my life. It was a different kind of love though. When I had fallen in love with Derek, it was an immature love that had grown over the years and became a love that consumed my being with love for the man that I wanted to share my life. As I stared into Dominic's eyes I fell in love all over again but in a mother love, a love that I knew would allow me to sacrifice whatever I had to ensure that my child was taken care of, even if that meant sacrificing my pride. Dominic was my reason for being.

I heard the door open but I was too entranced in the bundle of joy that was in my arms that I didn't pay much attention to what was going on around me. I counted all of his fingers and toes and beamed when I looked up at the visitor who entered my room. My smile faltered slightly when I realized that it was Derek.

He closed the door behind him and walked over to the side of the bed and peered into my arms at his son. He pressed a gentle kiss to his fingers and turned to me, "Miranda just told me that before they brought him in he scored a nine on the APG scale."

I felt a sigh of relief escape my lips as I grinned and met your eyes with a proud smile of my own, "Isn't he gorgeous Derek?"

Derek nodded in agreement as we both stared at the bundle of joy that had been created one night nine months ago when Derek thought he had lost his world and I was just rediscovering mine. I looked at his creamy, ivory skin and his hazel eyes and hair and pronounced that I had never seen a cuter baby, "You know Shepherd our genes together make some pretty babies."

I was trying to be on a light note with my words as I was still wary of your feelings after the debacle of this morning which now seemed years ago. I was so focused on not meeting his face that I didn't notice when he lifted my chin and looked into my eyes, "Thank you Addison. I love you and Domi so much, I'm just happy that you're okay."

I nod as I notice that Dominic has awakened and decided to make his need for nourishment known. I look to Derek for assistance as the door opens and Miranda enters and I ask, "Am I allowed to breastfeed Dominic or do I need to wait?"

She scowled at me, "You're the neonatal specialist you tell me." I roll my eyes and then ask Derek for help in nursing our son.

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It had been two weeks, three days and six hours since I saw Meredith kiss my ex-husband and brought on the birth of my son Dominic and during all that time, I had successfully avoided having a conversation with Derek on the subject. I had smiled and allowed people to fuss over me, including Derek, Richard, Callie, Miranda and Izzie all who had come to gush over the cuteness of my son and inquire about my health. Miranda and Callie had tag-teamed me about Derek and I was forced to admit that I was avoiding the conversation.

_Flashback - Earlier that Day_

_"Addison, what do you think your doing?" I looked up at my two friends in question as I closed my shirt and handed Callie Domi to burp. I shrug my shoulders and ask, "What are you talking about Miranda? I just fed my son and now I'm letting his Aunt Callie burp him." _

_Miranda scowled at me and swiped at my arm, "You know that isn't what I meant. What I want to know is why you are avoiding talking with Derek about what happened at the hospital with Meredith?" _

_I looked at my friend in disbelief, "Does the whole hospital know how Derek cheated on me at nine months of pregnancy?"_

_Miranda scowled and turned to Callie, "You talk to her, I'm through." Callie walked over to the edge of the bed and stared me in the eyes, "Addison, Derek has been asking for Meredith's head ever since you were admitted into the hospital. Richard has had to restrain him from slapping her on numerous occasions. That you're not talking to Derek seems to piss him off more so the whole hospital is up in arms, they are worried that one day of these he's going to snap. You have to talk to him; the hospital is becoming unbearable even for the Nazi."_

_Miranda leaned over, "That's saying something because as you know Seattle Grace is my hospital and anything I don't want happening won't on my watch but I can't stand in the way of that tortured man who only wants to be by your side."_

_I feel the tears starting to come to my eyes as I speak, "I was so hurt when I saw that kiss Miranda. It felt like someone had gone in and took out my heart and cut it in two again, I don't know that I've ever felt pain that deep. It was so wrenching that if the wall hadn't been behind me, I don't think I would've been able to stand. My brain knows that you are telling the truth and that Derek didn't initiate the kiss but my heart knows that I gave it to him again only for him to break it once more. I don't know if I can handle that uncertainty again because even if she wasn't corresponded I know that there's a place in Derek's heart that's only Meredith and each time I see them together I will wonder, is this it? Will this be the time that he chooses to leave me for her? I can't stop these thoughts and just when I had put them out of my mind and decided to focus on the love that I had for Derek, this happens and now all I want to focus on is making a good home for Domi." _

_Callie cleared her throat and said, "Dominic will have a good home whether it's with his parents together or apart because he's a loved child. His mother won't survive if she doesn't own up to her feelings and admit that she's scared. Don't you think Derek is as scared as you are?"_

_End of Flashback _

They had certainly given me something to chew on and I didn't know how I was going to handle what they told me. I had felt vindicated in not speaking with Derek about what happened because then it wouldn't make it real but was I just kidding myself? I eased out of bed when I heard Dominic's cry. I shuffle gently into the living room to see Derek on the couch with our son cradled in his arms trying to calm him down.

I clear my throat as I walk over to the couch and sit down next ot him and say, "I think what Domi needs, you can't provide."

Derek meets my statement with a flash of his smile as he hands over our son and I prepare to nurse. He clears his throat and says, "I see you had guests. Was it Callie and Miranda?"

I nod as Domi latches onto my nipple and starts nursing, "They brought some more gifts for Domi. I swear, Derek he's going to be the most spoiled baby in Seattle."

He smiles and leans forward, "Addison, when are we going to talk about this? I've been holding in all of these feelings for weeks and I didn't want to push you because I know that you've been through a lot but so have I. I was terrified that I was going to lose both of you, I need to discuss what happened."

I nod as I lean back against the cushion of the couch and say, "Okay Derek, let's talk."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I had just finished putting Dominic to sleep when I walked back into the living room and I sit down on the couch next to Derek and stare at him expectantly.

He sighs as he leans forward, "Don't look like you're about to have a closed book pop quiz. It's not that scary."

I shake my head and nod, "I know your right but I can't help this irrational fear of what you're about to say."

I lean back as his arm comes around my shoulders and he pulls me into his arms. I sigh as I lay against his chest, I had missed sleeping there. Ever since I had been released from the hospital, he had taken the guest room or slept on the floor in my room acknowledging that I still needed my space. "First of all Addison thank you."

I stop my contemplating and look up and meet his eyes, which he reaffirms with a kiss on the forehead and reiteration of his words, "Thank you Addison. Thank you for loving me, thank you for trusting me, thank you for being. I don't know how I could've gotten through that first night when I thought Meredith had died if it wasn't for you. You were this beacon of light in my life when I thought my life had suddenly become cloaked in darkness. I also want to thank you for allowing me time to get over the stupid, immature and hurtful obsession I had over Meredith Grey. I know now, that what I feel for her, doesn't even tip the scale on what I feel for you. There's a sense of completeness that I feel by your side that I need and that is with or without Dominic in our lives. What Meredith did the day Dominic was born doesn't have words, I've never hated a person more and I still shudder to think that at one time, I thought she could be a replacement in my life for you."

I feel the tears fall down my cheeks at the sincerity and passion in his words, I start swiping my tears and say, "Derek, I…" I want to acknowledge his effort with a reaffirmation of my own but the hormones are still against me and that's okay because he squeezes me to him and says, "Let me talk for once Addison, it feels like you've been the only one fighting in this relationship. I understand if you don't want to open up your heart to me again and I understand if you want to wait until you are sure that I'm with you all the way and I can wait because I know you're worth it. When I thought that she was dead I thought the love I had been living for was lost but then you came and saved me once again and then I found the love that I had been denying was there all along, the love I had with you. The kind of love, that I didn't have to looking for because it had always been right in front of me. I don't deserve it, I'm not sure I'm even worthy but I want it and I'm selfish, I don't want anyone else to have a chance to claim it."

I can't stop the sobs that are now shaking my body as I listen to his words. I pull down his face to mine as I latch my lips onto his, "I love you Derek Shepherd, and I want everything with you. I will always want everything with you. You and Domi are my family, the only family that I'll ever need. Please don't forget that."

I feel his tears start to hit my face as I lay against his chest again and sigh in relief, Derek was back. The Derek that I fell in love that I had always imagined was lost to me forever had been found, and best of all he had been found with me again and I couldn't be happier.

End

* * *

Don't fret, our happy couple will be back in a couple of days with a Epilogue. Check your mailboxes soon! 


	14. Epilogue

A/N: Sob, so this is finally it. Please let me know how you liked it and I will be forever appreciative.

**Epilogue - Years Later**

* * *

"Dominic Richard Shepherd, front and center right now." I call from the top of my lungs at the bottom of the stairs. At five, my son had become a replica of his father and would be doomed to live a life with girls chasing after him for his looks. 

I start to open up my mouth to bellow again when I feel Derek's arms surrounding my growing belly and I lean back and sigh, "Your son got his sense of time from you. You are going to be late if we don't hurry."

Derek nodded and after kissing me on the cheek he started up the stairs for our son who met him halfway with a sigh of exasperation, "I'm coming Mommy."

I roll my eyes as I step back and allow the important men in my life access down the stairs. Domi steps in front of me and rubs my stomach and leans in, "Hey sis. I'm going out with Daddy now; don't get here until I get back."

I shake my head in laughter as I look upon my son and say, "Domi, your sister still has some growing to do. She won't be here for a couple more weeks; you have plenty of time before she arrives."

He rolls his eyes as he looks at me, he doesn't believe me when I say that his sister wouldn't arrive for awhile and to be truthful, I can't really blame him, not when his brother arrived while he was on a vacation with his Grandfather Richard and couldn't be reached.

_Flashback _

_"Addison, you can't hold the baby in until Dominic gets here, it's just ridiculous." I met my husband's sigh of exasperation with a glare of my own._

_"Derek, your son made me promise that I wouldn't deliver this baby until he was here to welcome him into the world and I mean to keep my promise." _

_Derek shook his head and turned to Miranda in helplessness, "What do you want me to do Miranda? She won't listen to reason! She has to have this baby now."_

_I roll my eyes as I turn a glare on my husband, "I know how much time, I have left and I'm only 3cm dilated, there's plenty of time to locate Richard and Domi before our next child gets born," I finish on a huff as another contraction starts and I reach for his hand and I start to squeeze. He pulls his hand back in pain and says, "What did I tell you about grabbing my hand Addison? Richard pays $2m a hand for these babies and I can't explain to him that they were broken in labor with my wife." _

_I roll my eyes as I lean against the pillows sweating from exertion, I fix him with a glare, "My son Dominic made me promise and I don't want ever to be accused of breaking my promises to my son. We will just have to wait." _

_I finish my statement on flourish as I exhale against the pillow. Miranda clears her throat and I realize that she had been checking how far along I was. " Addison, I don't think we are going to be able to wait, you are now fully dilated."_

_Derek looks at me with a triumphant glare as if to say, 'What now?'. I swear under my breath and say, "Okay Shepherd, let's have this kid."_

_End of Flashback_

I had welcomed the birth of our second child, Matthew Ryan Shepherd with a sigh of relief and anxiety. I was ecstatic that my second child had been born without complications but I was anxious for the arrival of my firstborn to forgive me for not being able to keep the promise of waiting for him to bring his brother into the world.

_Flashback_

_As the door opened I winced in pain and fear. What would Domi say? I hadn't been able to keep a promise to him. It had been the first time since he was born that something I had promised him, I wasn't able to provide. It made me feel horrible and I didn't want to ever feel like that again. When he shuffled into the room dejected, I felt the tears start to well in my eyes. Derek grabbed Domi and picked him up and walked him over to the bed. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, "Mom, I wanted you to wait."_

_Derek looked at me and rolled his eyes, "Domi, I told you in the car, on the phone and just outside the door that your brother, Matthew didn't agree with your Mom on waiting for you. He was tired of being in Mommy's tummy." _

_I look at Domi, hoping he will conform to that explanation and he sighs against Derek's chest with all the weight that an almost four-year old can have and said, "Dad, I know but I still wanted to be here. He's my little brother. It's okay anyway Mom, I can wait."_

_I look at my son in shock, "You can wait? Wait for what?" _

_Domi looked between the two of us and said, "Wait for the next baby. We are going to try again aren't we? I want to be here when the baby's born." _

_Derek smiled as he leaned over the bed to kiss me on the lips, "You heard our son, we have to try again. Domi has to be here."_

_I scowl at him in mock anger as I introduce Dominic to his younger brother._

_End of Flashback _

Dominic rubs my stomach once more and then turns to his father, "Dad, does Aunt Nancy have your phone number?"

Derek stares at me with mirth in his eyes as he directs his response to his son in a serious tone, "She has all of our phone numbers, pagers and mobiles. I also gave her Grandpa Richard's cell phone and Grandma Adele's so we should be good to go."

Dominic nods as if he's happy with the steps that have been taken; he turns to my stomach once more and says, "Wait until I get back okay!"

I bite my bottom lip to avoid from laughing as I kiss Dominic on the head and then Derek on the lips as they go to the door. Nancy had been itching to baby-sit ever since Matthew had been born. Something about being able to lure more men if she had two gorgeous children in tow, so I had packed up my children and Derek was on his way to meet his sister at the appointed location.

I motion for Derek to pickup Matthew who I had just got to sleep and I lean down and press a gentle kiss to his brow and speak softly in his ear, "Be a good boy for your Aunt Nancy." I step back and I could almost swear that a smile creases his face.

Dominic tugs on my dress and says, "Mom, I'll keep Matthew in line but you have to keep my sister from arriving before I get here."

I nod as I lean down and hug and kiss my oldest son, the joy of my life and say, "I promise."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I laid my back on the couch against Derek's outstretched arm and sighed in exhaustion, "So we finally cleaned all of the house and now what?"

Derek leaned in and kissed me on the lips, "You know, we have an empty house, it's clean and the doctor said that you could still make love soo…."

I lean back and look at my husband in disbelief, "Derek, are you serious? I'm huge as a house, how is that even going to work?"

Derek wriggled his eyebrows at me suggestively, "When there's a will, there's a way." He flashed his dimples at me and I was lost. I leaned in and said, "As long as you don't induce labor, we should be okay."

I kissed him on the lips as he pulled me up from the couch and towards our bedroom.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Two Days Later

Matthew and Dominic were home from their vacation with their aunt early. Nancy had called me on the phone saying that she was calling an early end to the vacation.

_Flashback_

_"Addison, I didn't catch you making more nephews or nieces did I?" _

_I rolled my eyes even though I know she can't see over the phone, " Nancy, I'm already pregnant, it's kinda hard to make more when you already have one growing." _

_Nancy snorted and said, "With the way that you two are going at it, I wouldn't be surprised if after you give birth, they find out that you are pregnant again." _

_I laughed and shook my head in disbelief at her statement, "So why are you calling," I stop when I realize that she hasn't mentioned the boys, " Nancy, are Domi and Matthew okay?" _

_Nancy laughed and said, "Of course they are perfect angels but I need to send them back."_

_I leaned against the door in confusion, "Why I thought you said they were being good?"_

_Nancy sighed, "Of course they are being angels but right now in between the number of phone numbers I got from two days out on the town with these two I'm good for a solid month at least. I also have an opening tomorrow at another chain and I have to be there and unfortunately children aren't allowed no matter how adorable they might be." _

_I smiled and then sighed in mock exasperation, "Well it was fun while it lasted. I'll have Derek come get them. Love ya."_

_Nancy smiled and said, "Did I ever tell you how happy I am that you are still my sister-in-law? I always knew that you were it for Derek and I'm just glad my idiot brother realized it before it was too late." _

_I feel the tears rising in my eyes and I sniffle through them, "Thank you Nancy, I couldn't be happier with Derek by my side. I feel complete."_

_End of Flashback_

I looked up as Matthew came toddling towards me with his arms open wide. I caught him up as best as I could in my condition and sit him by my side as he shoves a book in my face. Derek comes running out of the kitchen with Dominic on his heels as they both stop and stare at Matthew who's leaning against my chest content.

Derek directs his voice towards Matthew, "Matt, I thought I told you that Mommy needed her rest. I told you I was going to read you a story after we finished making dinner."

Matthew shook his head at his father and brother in disagreement, as he shoved the book in my hands, "Mommy read."

I smile as I meet their faces and say, "It's okay. I can read to Matthew. You guys just worry about dinner."

Matthew smiles at them pleased that he got his way and Dominic rolls his eyes and says, "Mommy's growing our sister but if she gets her early it's your fault."

Matthew has no clue what that means so he turns back to me and presses the book back into my hand, wanting his demand to be fulfilled, "Mommy read."  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I hate my husband. I hate Derek Shepherd with an animosity that knows no bounds. I refused to ever let the man within five feet of me. With Dominic, I had been blessed because I was under the effects of anesthesia when he had been born. Matthew had been an easy three-hour birth with no complications but my daughter? My daughter who was recently named Alyssa Grace Shepherd, she decided to take twelve hours to arrive. The longest, most painful twelve hours of my life. Twelve hours in which I threatened to castrate my husband or for the least give him a vasectomy with a plastic knife and fork from the cafeteria to calling some members of the mob to put a hit out on the man who had caused me the most pain in my life.

As I lay back against the pillows, I was grateful that at least this time, I was able to keep my promise to Dominic.

_Flashback_

_"Derek?" I didn't want to yell and cause alarm but I believe that my water just broke. I had been expecting this to happen any day now but I was still apprehensive when it did happen. _

_"Addi, I'm in the middle of giving Domi a bath. Can this wait?"_

_I grimace as I feel the water gush down my legs and speak through clenched teeth, "Sure, I guess it doesn't matter if your daughter is born in the middle of our living room. But know this; I get to pick out all new furniture."_

_I hear him come running down the stairs at my statement as he stares at me in disbelief. Derek Shepherd, father to be, is one of the funniest personalities I've ever encountered. The man is a neurosurgeon for god's sake but each time I go into labor, it's like I'm suddenly thrust in the middle of a comedy sketch. He can't remember where he left the keys or he doesn't know where my suitcase is and if he can find the keys he doesn't remember which one starts the car. When Matthew had been born, I had already called for a cab by the time that Derek had finally gotten the car started._

_"Domi, it's time." I flinch as he yells this statement at the top of his lungs towards my son who was in the bathtub and I hear him coming running down the stairs naked. _

_He takes one look at me and then the floor and then screeches excitedly, "Mom you waited!"_

_I lean against the wall as I stare at two of the guys in my life who were staring at me in abject fascination and I roll my eyes, "Heaven help my daughter."_

_End of Flashback_

I look up as the door opens as Derek comes in with Alyssa cradled in his arms and Domi trailing behind him rubbing his eyes tiredly. I reach for my daughter and then search for my other son; I pose the question to Derek, "Where is Matthew?"

Dominic pipes in the answer, "He went home with Aunt Miranda. Aunt Miranda wanted me to go but I wanted to stay here."

I nod and look at Derek who shrugs as he looks down at Alyssa who's sleeping peacefully in my arms, "Miranda said the last thing you needed was to have to take care of three boys so she offered to take two of us off your hands but Domi wasn't having it."

I smiled as I looked at my eldest child who would always hold a special place in my heart. I loved all my children equally but there was something about Dominic that would always remind me how Derek and I found our way back to each other. I was lost in my own thoughts until I noticed that Derek had picked up Domi and was now holding him in his arms as he peered into mine and looked at his sister and the latest addition to our family. I lift her up and show her to her brother, "Dominic, meet your sister Alyssa Grace."

Dominic flashes his trademark dimples at his new sister and leans over in a whisper, "Hi Alyssa. You're small now but it's okay because I'll be here to protect you always."

I feel the tears well in my eyes as I hear the simple words that Dominic is speaking that is filled with so much love. Dominic turns to me and says, "Mom, next time could you have the baby a little faster? I fell asleep waiting for her to be born and next time I want to be awake when they first get here."

Derek smirked at me in laughter as I tried to muffle my own laughs as I looked at my son and said with a straight face, "I will try Dominic, I will try."

End

* * *

A/N: No I didn't end on a note of reaffirmed love from Derek and Addison only because it wasn't needed, I mean with three kids it was obvious that they were still in love if the third birth was any indication. Thanks for letting me get rid of some of these ideas in my head. It's always an daunting task to put yourself out there and express your thoughts and your ramblings that you thought would only ever be seen by Microsoft Word but to actually have someone listen and appreciate your words means more to me than words can say, so thank you! I really enjoyed writing this story and I don't know if I've ever finished a Derek/Addison saga so quickly! 


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